There is something both sad and beautiful about posting through tears. It is a familiar circumstance for me trying to type with tears filling my eyes and streaming down my face. The tears are as comforting as they are painful. Each one reminds me of just how much love and longing I have for my sweet little girl, even after all this time.
I don't have to close my eyes to see her little face in my mind. It is always there. I remember how her skin felt and how tiny she was in my hands. I only held her once. She died in my arms. It was the first and last time I felt her warmth and watched her chest moving up and down.
My time with her before the end was spent peering through the incubator glass wanting to reach in, scoop her up, and make a run for it. I wanted to hold her close, to be as near to her as possible, to comfort her and make her well, but the glass and the harsh reality of her sick little body never let me as close as I wanted to be.
I studied her for hours so I would remember her. I was so curious about her. I watched her personality emerge despite her fragile state and admired her loveliness and poise. What a sweetheart my Ellie. My beautiful little Ellie.
She left us after seven days. Seven scary, hopeful, sad, confusing, precious, frozen in time days.
Six years later it is every bit as fresh.
I miss you sweet girl. Everyday, I miss you. Wait for me. I'll come to you one day.