Wednesday, January 23, 2013

When I Cry

I love this picture because it reminds me of my girls 
I posted a picture of two little twins hugging in their incubators on our Teamotions facebook page and burst into tears. It made me think of my girls and the special bond twins have and how I know in my heart that they could not live without each other. I know my girls are in heaven hugging each other right now.

I honestly don't cry as much anymore.  About my girls I mean.  I do cry, but not like I used to.  I used to cry every single day.  Now I cry at completely random moments. I cry in the car and in the shower.  I especially cry when the house is too quiet or when my husband is gone for long periods of time (military wife=weeks and months alone). It's better in the sense that it isn't constant but worse in the sense that it is unpredictable.

Take tonight for example.  I am sitting at my computer eating peanut butter filled pretzels while I write a few article to send off to magazines about Teamotions and wham!  It hits me.  Out of no where the tears start falling and I got a lump in my throat and I felt my heart crumble all over again.

I miss my babies.

Sometimes I feel like they were just an idea that I fell in love with.  They were a tease, a cruel joke, that I gave my whole heart to only to be left empty-armed and brokenhearted.  I loved them in my dreams and when they were finally in front of me I wasn't allowed to touch them and when I reached for them they became just smoke, a vapor in my hand.

I didn't get enough time with them. I didn't get to know them. I never heard their voices. I never got to nurse them. I held them each only once for the first time and the last time. And it did something to me.

I died a little when they died.

And I think that is why I cry sometimes.

But most of me is still very alive.

And that is why I smile most of the time.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

When I Was Happiest

Dustin-16 months old. This was a happy time! 
My dad sent me a picture he found of me when I was in high school in a text message yesterday.  When I saw it I laughed because I forgot how fat my face was when I was a teenager.  I definitely looked younger, but mostly I could still see the girl I was then; passionately optimistic and determined to leave my mark in some profound way. I had a glint in my eye and nothing standing in my way. My life was just beginning and it was full of possibilities. I was happy.

That picture got me thinking...when was I the happiest?

Before I go on let me say that I don't believe that being happy is the most important thing about life nor even a worthy pursuit really.  I believe that happiness ebbs and flows and our lives are full of seasons.  I also believe that it is possible to be full of joy even in the midst of miserable circumstances, even when happiness eludes us our cup may still runneth over.  And I also believe that unhappiness is a powerful driving force.  It is often a catalyst for growth and change more effective than our will.

Yet, it is nice to be happy.

And there is nothing wrong with being happy.

I miss being happy.

I was the happiest EVER IN MY LIFE from September 2005-January 2006.  I was pregnant with my first son and although my husband was on deployment in Iraq which was not ideal I moved home to live with my parents to make the most of it and get ready for my son's birth. I didn't have any other children yet, I didn't have to work, my morning sickness had ended, and it was fall in my hometown which is a lovely time of year.  I had a beautiful pregnant belly, took long walks every single day, and sat by the fire every single night with my feet up talking with my dad feeling my baby kick.  Life was what I always dreamed it would be.  The holiday season was full of excitement and anticipation of my new baby due January 11th.  I took long baths.  I ate holiday treats.  I spent time with my friends and family.  I had a baby shower. I felt safe.  I was so happy.

And right when I though I couldn't be happier my son was born on January 7th at 3:45am and I remember holding my arms out for the midwife to hand him to me and I said, "where have you been all my life?" It was the happiest moment of my entire life.  It changed me.  It was the purest joy I had ever felt.

I spent the next three weeks doting on my son.  As far as I was concerned he was perfect and I was so proud of him. I showed him off every chance I got and took about a thousand pictures of him. I put beanies on his head everyday to keep him warm and nursed him by the fire.  My grandmother would come over everyday to hold him and my mom cooked my meals and even stayed up with me all night one night to help me so I could get some sleep.  It was an ideal situation.  All I had to do was rest and take care of my precious baby.  It was truly the best time of my life.

And it wasn't like it came to a crashing halt, not right away anyway, and certainly not in some catastrophic way.  Normal life challenges emerged. My idealistic happiness was knocked down a few notches as my precious baby boy became the boy who never slept.  My husband came home from Iraq when Dustin was just three weeks old and I was thrilled to have him back and for him to see his new son, but it also meant all the responsibilities that go with being a wife and adjusting to life with a new baby.  And although it was certainly not all bad I have to be honest and say that was one of the hardest years of my life.  Chronic sleep deprivation and loneliness had a way of wearing me down. But it was just a season.  We've all been there.

When Aubrey and Ellie died it was as if the air got sucked out of my lungs and the happiness got sucked out of my life. Happiness is impossible when you can't even breath. And I knew it wasn't just a season.  It was forever.  And it hurt.

It has been a while since I can honestly say I was happy. I've had moments of joy and peace, I don't want to give the impression that my life is miserable because it isn't.  But genuine happiness has been missing for a while now. Even the addition of my little Colton was profoundly bittersweet. He brought me (and still does bring) so much joy and so many sweet moments, but I also have to fight so much fear and aching. I love him with my whole heart, so much so it hurts.

It is unfortunately a reality of life after loss I think.  There is a consistent looming feeling that something is missing, something that cannot be retrieved, and I don't think that feeling ever really goes away. So I am forcing myself to learn some new skills. I can feel myself getting stronger in that way.  I used to be afraid to feel happy because I knew an avalanche of sadness was waiting to steal it, and it was exhausting. I am teaching myself to handle the sadness better now so when I feel the happiness I don't fight it.  I know the happiness will still be worth it even if I have to spend a few minutes crying in the shower. It is just how my life is now.  It is kind of like getting in shape.  At the beginning it hurts, it is hard to breath, and the recovery is crippling,  But over time a workout that used to be hard becomes standard and recovery happens more quickly.  That is me these days: feeling stronger and bouncing back a bit faster.

Thinking back to my happiest time has made me hungry to feel that way again.  I feel that my happiest memories don't have to be found only in my past anymore.  I'd like to be brave and see what happiness I can add back into my life. It is all around me.  I just have to let it in somehow.

It's kind of exciting actually.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Telling Your Story

After Aubrey and Ellie died I was hellbent on making sure they did not become our family secret.  The thought that their lives would be kept on the down-low so that other people were not made uncomfortable by their tragic story was unacceptable to me. They are my children, their lives counted, and I wanted people to know about them. 

In the beginning I will admit I took it too far.  I told complete strangers that my babies just died.  I sprung it on the checkout girl and the passenger next to me on the plane. I regularly mortified others and embarrassed myself by bursting into tears in a public place, but in all honesty, I didn't care. It was one of the few things that gave me a strange sense of comfort.  I was Aubrey and Ellie's ambassador. If I didn't represent for them, who would? 

My passion to carry a torch for them still burns white-hot but thankfully it has evolved.  Instead of shocking the sweet checkout girl I have Teamotions.  My tea company allows me to tell the world about my girls in a way that touches hearts instead of stuns them.  My girls have a powerful legacy now that is worthy of them and brings me a profound sense of peace.  

I find so much comfort in telling Aubrey and Ellie's story this way that I wanted to make it possible for other mothers to use it too. 

The babylost community is a diverse one.  And we all choose to honor our babies in different ways.  Some of us outwardly, others more privately.  Yet, some of us are struggling to find the right way to tell others about the babies we've lost.  If this is you, let Teamotions help you.

We've created a work from home business opportunity that is touching lives.  Our Teamotions Consultants draw from their own life experience and compassion to comfort others with our message of hope and healing through tea. Our consultants have a powerful story to tell and they use Teamotions as a platform to tell it. It is a safe and appropriate place to tell your story in a way that moves, inspires, and offers hope to others. Being able to give back and encourage others in their difficulties is a powerful healing tool.  It transforms our pain from crippling to empowering and heals our hearts in an inexplicable way. 

Nothing will fully remove the pain of losing our babies.  Everyday I wake up and miss my girls.  I just miss them.  And I'd trade my company and all the good it has done in two second flat to have my girls back.  But my girls are not coming back so I have decided to embrace this amazing opportunity to do some good for others and if a little of that good spills over to mend my own aching heart I am okay with that too.  

If this post has touched your heart and you would like to use Teamotions to tell your story and become a Teamotions Consultant please contact me at  Also, download this information PDF about how being a consultant works.  Please check out our website as well for more information about our teas.

If you'd like to taste our teas or experience a Teamotions tea tasting please find a consultant in your area by going to the where to find page on our website or contact me.  I highly recommend experiencing a tea tasting.  They are not tea parties but interactive, educational, and inspiring tastings where you will learn all about our company, our teas, and how to foster hope and healing through tea.  Tastings are free and truly life changing.

Sign up to be a Teamotions Consultant by Jan 25th and recieve 3 free tins of tea to sell at 100% profit-that is a $42 value!  

If you know someone who would love to be a Teamotions consultant, send me their name, email, and phone number and if they sign up I will send you a free tin of tea of your choice to say thank you for the referral.  

Together we can get our message of hope and healing to all who need it. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Happy New Year

New Year resolutions are in full swing. I don't know about you but I LOVE making resolutions.  I love taking inventory of the last year of my life and making plans for the next year of my life. There was a time after Aubrey and Ellie died that I could not make a resolution of any kind as daily survival seemed to be all I could muster, but this year the heaviness of their loss is noticeably less as I find myself quite hopeful for the future. I still miss them, but my sadness and longing are no longer paralyzing   I have found a new freedom despite the pain and I have to admit, it feels nice.  There is something empowering about instigating the change needed for the year to come and I am going forward with those changes full steam ahead.

Most of you know about my tea company Teamotions.  If not, read here to get the full story.  Teamotions continues to grow and touch many lives, but more importantly it remains a meaningful legacy for my sweet girls. I am honored to wake up every day and pour myself into something I know truly comforts others. As I make my resolutions this year I'd like to extend my heart felt support to you too and offer to help you keep your resolutions as well.

No matter your resolution or resolutions, Teamotions can play a role in your success.  The very act of drinking a cup of tea every day naturally carves out a little quiet time to check in with yourself.  Use this time to review your goals, make a list, say a prayer, or simply restore your focus.  Do this everyday and your chances of success skyrocket.

Not only will you be making a habit of daily personal accountability, but it will be an enjoyable habit.  Not to mention that you'll be getting a dose of health inducing tea and stress reducing herbs in each cup.  And who couldn't use a little delicious and nutritious stress reduction???

Let Teamotions keep you on track so you'll actually keep your resolution this year. And for those of you that are die hard resolution keepers, Teamotions can make it more enjoyable. 

Below is a list of the most common resolutions and how Teamotions can help:

1. Spend More Time with Family & Friends
Tea is the perfect way to bring family and friends together in a healthy way.  Who can resist a delicious cup of tea and the quality time that comes with it?  Make a pot of Seek Peace and serve it to your spouse in the evening to chat and bond after a long day. Invite a friend over for a cup of tea or show up for a visit with tea in hand.  Make tea an excuse for some meaningful time with family and friends and watch the minutes add up!

2. Improve Fitness
Health club memberships soar in the month of January as everyone heads to the gym. A sedentary lifestyle is not good for us so the more activity we get the better off we will be both physically and emotionally.  Find Strength can help improve fitness because it contains an amazing adaptogen herb called Jiaogulan. Jiaogulan can decrease fatigue, improve endurance, boost immunity, speed recovery, improve cardiac function, reduce cholesterol and lower high blood pressure.  Drink a cup (hot or iced) before and during your workout to improve endurance and a cup after to improve recovery and to re-hydrate. 
3. Tame the Bulge
Losing weight seems to be on everyone's agenda these days.  No matter how you choose to lose weight Teamotions teas can play a very important roll. Drinking any one of our teas will increase your water intake, something essential to weight loss.Discover Joy can benefit weight loss because it is high in vitamins and minerals and contains lemongrass which helps to eliminate cellulite.  With its lemon vanilla taste profile it also helps curb cravings for sweets without any sugar or anything artificial.  Drink a cup every time you crave something sweet and you'll be losing weight in no time.  Enjoy Rest can also benefit weight loss because it helps to induce deep, restful sleep.  Adequate sleep helps to reduce the stress hormone Cortisol which is often the cause of excess belly fat and high blood sugar.  Drink a cup before bed to not only help your body sleep but also help it lose weight. 

4. Quit Smoking
Without dispute smoking puts your health at risk, however quitting can be difficult at best. Sometimes replacing a bad habit with a good habit can help break the cycle of addiction.  Try replacing a cigarette with a cup of tea.  The adaptogen herbs in each of our teas will help to restore balance within the body as it adapts to life without nicotine and may lessen cravings over time.  Try Have Hope as it contains adaptogen herbs that not only restore balance but also calm anxiety and frayed nerves.  It is also high in antioxidants which help fight free-radical damage caused by smoking.

5. Enjoy Life More
There is something in each one of us that cries out to experience the fullness of life.  Often times it is not our circumstances but how we respond to those circumstances that determine how we feel about our life. Teamotions is dedicated to improving emotional well-being so that no matter what the circumstance we can experience life to the fullest.  Incorporate any one of Teamotions teas into your day to enjoy life more.

6. Quit Drinking
Alcohol is often a coping mechanism.  Even if we don't drink a lot, if we rely on a glass of wine or a beer at the end of the day to help us wind down, we might want to re-evaluate our use of alcohol.  Replace your occasional (or more than occasional) drink with a cup of Teamotions tea.  The adaptogen herbs will help calm and relax without the side effects or calories of alcohol and improve emotional well-being too.  Seek Peace contains liver support herbs that not only encourages inner peace but help to repair and support the liver-the organ most burdened by alcohol consumption

7. Get Out of Debt
Teamotions offers a revolutionary work from home opportunity that creates extra income with a flexible schedule. We have stepped outside the box of traditional direct sales to provide a one-of-a-kind opportunity to motivated, compassionate women looking to leave the world better than they found it. Teamotions is a revolutionary emotional well-being company that combines social entrepreneurship with relational sales to empower women to touch lives in a profound way, while building a home based business that is lucrative and fulfilling. Learn more about being a Teamotions Consultant by downloading ourPDF here.
Also worth noting, Teamotions teas only cost $0.14 per cup or less.  Replace your Starbucks or Keurig habit with a cup of tea and save yourself real money.  Even if you drink three cups of Teamotions tea a day you are still spending less than the cost of one Keurig cup.  So make an investment in your health and emotional well-being and SAVE money doing it.  Your body and bank account will thank you!

8. Learn Something New
Do you know what adaptogen herbs are?  Did you know Tulsi improves memory? Or that schizandra berries are a natural nerve tonic and ashwagandha restores homeostasis and reduces stress?  Host a tea tasting in your home and have one of our Teamotions Consultants come and teach you all about Teamotions teas and how they restore emotional well-being.  What you'll learn will change your life.

9. Help Others
Simple. Teamotions helps you help others in five wonderful  ways: 1) Encourage others over a cup of tea 2) Bless someone by giving them a Teamotions gift box 3) Host a tea tasting and teach your friends and family all about the benefits of Teamotions 4) Become a Teamotions Consultant and share our message of hope and healing and 5) Purchase one of our Teas for Charity and support a worthy cause.

10. Get Organized

Tea won't clean out all the clutter in your house but drinking a cup of Achieve Clarityevery day may certainly help clear out the clutter in your brain. The Tulsi leaf in Achieve Clarity help improve mental clarity, memory, and focus.  So perhaps organizing your thoughts is the best first step to organizing your life.

May you be comforted and blessed by Teamotions this year!
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