Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Living the Life that's Waiting for Us

I hopped a plane to Southern California earlier last month to attend the OC Walk to Remember as well as to spend some much needed time with my sister (and business partner) to work work work.

Teamotions is hands down the hardest venture I have ever undertaken. We've been working, selling, brainstorming, planning, executing, and revamping ourselves into a coma. Both of us look like a truck ran us over. But the potential of it all keeps us going.

Teamotions is growing, but more importantly it is changing, and with it has come some amazing experiences. We see lives touched and all the work is worth it.We are building a worthy legacy for my sweet girls. That alone is enough to keep me going when it all just seems like too much.

I always enjoy time in SoCal but this trip was extra special. I got to meet Carly Dudly of Names in the Sand and Christian's Beach. We made contact five years ago via email when we were both new grieving mommies with a desire to leave a legacy worthy of the babies we buried. She came all the way from Australia to take part in one of the STILL project short films by Jonathan and Carrie Pascual and we all met up along with Sean Hanish from Return to Zero in Orange County at the OC Walk to Remember.

Left to right: Zaya, Jonathan, and Carrie Pascual, me, Carly Dudly, Sean Hanish, Kiley Hanish, and Crystal Tenpenny at the OC Walk to Remember 2013
It was surreal to hug Carly. We've crossed paths so many times in cyber space and worked together via internet on many projects, but meeting in real life, hugging, crying, and talking was a truly beautiful moment. The bond I felt with her is in fact real and I think we were both moved. It was a good day.

Aubrey and Ellie's names are above my head
It was a hard day too though. At the ceremony before we walk they read off every baby's name, give us roses, and put our baby's names on a giant mural. I never quite know how to feel when I see my daughters' names like that. As if I need to be reminded that they are in fact gone. I haven't forgotten I assure you. And, for the first time in a while, I TOTALLY LOST IT. I broken down. Publicly. And I couldn't gain my composure. It just reminded me how close to the surface my pain still is. I love and miss my girls so much and I HATE that they are gone.

I HATE that I can find their names on a mural for dead babies.
I HATE that I held two roses for them.
I HATE that my tank top said "Remembering Aubrey and Ellie."
And I HATE that more that five years later I am still so raw. I would murder death with my bare hands if I could because I hate it so much. That is why the tears still uncontrollably flow...I WANT MY BABIES BACK.

(Deep breath)

I suppose this is life. Beautiful. Sad. Stirring. Crushing. It felt good to cry. It felt good to stop crying. It's my life and I'm learning to embrace it. It is time to live the life waiting for me. I know I am more than my sad story, much more. It just took me a while to remember.

I left California on a mission. My babies know I love them and miss them. I have nothing to prove to them. But I do have something to prove to myself. A life is waiting for me. An extraordinary life full of blessings and gratitude and compassion. It is time for this broken little bird to fly again. I mean really fly. Impressively fly. Freestyle fly like its cool.

So I literally flew home on an airplane to these amazing kids with new inspiration in my heart ready to shake off the melancholy and live more alive. (I just threw in these pictures to make you all smile).

And I also created this.

Share if it inspired you. Life is waiting for you. Live it.

1 comment:

  1. I just LOVED giving you a hug :) We should do that again sometime :)


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