Wednesday, January 23, 2013

When I Cry

I love this picture because it reminds me of my girls 
I posted a picture of two little twins hugging in their incubators on our Teamotions facebook page and burst into tears. It made me think of my girls and the special bond twins have and how I know in my heart that they could not live without each other. I know my girls are in heaven hugging each other right now.

I honestly don't cry as much anymore.  About my girls I mean.  I do cry, but not like I used to.  I used to cry every single day.  Now I cry at completely random moments. I cry in the car and in the shower.  I especially cry when the house is too quiet or when my husband is gone for long periods of time (military wife=weeks and months alone). It's better in the sense that it isn't constant but worse in the sense that it is unpredictable.

Take tonight for example.  I am sitting at my computer eating peanut butter filled pretzels while I write a few article to send off to magazines about Teamotions and wham!  It hits me.  Out of no where the tears start falling and I got a lump in my throat and I felt my heart crumble all over again.

I miss my babies.

Sometimes I feel like they were just an idea that I fell in love with.  They were a tease, a cruel joke, that I gave my whole heart to only to be left empty-armed and brokenhearted.  I loved them in my dreams and when they were finally in front of me I wasn't allowed to touch them and when I reached for them they became just smoke, a vapor in my hand.

I didn't get enough time with them. I didn't get to know them. I never heard their voices. I never got to nurse them. I held them each only once for the first time and the last time. And it did something to me.

I died a little when they died.

And I think that is why I cry sometimes.

But most of me is still very alive.

And that is why I smile most of the time.

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