|I love this picture because it reminds me of my girls|
I honestly don't cry as much anymore. About my girls I mean. I do cry, but not like I used to. I used to cry every single day. Now I cry at completely random moments. I cry in the car and in the shower. I especially cry when the house is too quiet or when my husband is gone for long periods of time (military wife=weeks and months alone). It's better in the sense that it isn't constant but worse in the sense that it is unpredictable.
Take tonight for example. I am sitting at my computer eating peanut butter filled pretzels while I write a few article to send off to magazines about Teamotions and wham! It hits me. Out of no where the tears start falling and I got a lump in my throat and I felt my heart crumble all over again.
I miss my babies.
Sometimes I feel like they were just an idea that I fell in love with. They were a tease, a cruel joke, that I gave my whole heart to only to be left empty-armed and brokenhearted. I loved them in my dreams and when they were finally in front of me I wasn't allowed to touch them and when I reached for them they became just smoke, a vapor in my hand.
I didn't get enough time with them. I didn't get to know them. I never heard their voices. I never got to nurse them. I held them each only once for the first time and the last time. And it did something to me.
I died a little when they died.
And I think that is why I cry sometimes.
But most of me is still very alive.
And that is why I smile most of the time.