Friday, September 28, 2012


I love writing on this blog but lately I feel like I am struck with perpetual writer's block.  When I do write it isn't very good so I erase it.  It doesn't come out the way I want it to.  So I try to change topics or await inspiration (which strikes constantly as I am one of those always inspired types) but when I sit down to put words to what is about to explode inside my brain or heart it doesn't translate.  And it is becoming very frustrating to me.

I started blogging to pour my heart out after the deaths of my daughters.  I did not consider for one minute if I was a good writer or if what I wrote was worth reading, it was therapy for me, survival, so I wrote on and on and on for the last four years.  But now, as I enter this new season in my healing journey I have become keenly aware of my writing ability-or lack there of rather.

I want so badly for what is written here to be meaningful, inspiring, stirring and touching. I want every post to be written well and worth reading.  But I am doubting my ability to meet my own standards. And it is really bothering me. When I read what real writers write and how they write-it is undenyable.

I am not a writer.

But I'd really like to be.

Is it possible to learn to write?  Or is it something some people just have like the ability to sing or draw? Neither of which I have by the way.

Or maybe writing is for those who not only have something to write but that something is worth reading? Should I focus more on my content? Or is it worth reading because of how it was written? Should I focus more on my style? Do I even have a style?  And if not, is it possible to develop one?

I know I know, If a tree falls in the forest....? My brain is tired already.

Yet I find myself longing for it. Truly longing. I have a deep desire in my heart to be able to convert the thoughts in my mind into written words. Flowing, clear, comforting, useful written words. Not these frustrating bumpy words that seem to come so naturally to me.  I don't know where it came from or why now but it is in me and it doesn't seem to be going away. I'm not sure what to do with it.

So, who can help me with this?  Is there hope for me? Can I learn to write?

Or do I need to accept my lack of writing talent the same way I accept my lack of singing talent-it just isn't how God made me? I mean, I don't go around feeling a deep longing to be able to sing.

I'd love your insight my friends.  In the meantime, I will continue to type out these posts with good intentions even if they come out shaky.  For now it is the best I can do. I still feel that this blog serves a purpose and I do not feel it is time to end it.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Announcing After the Dawn

I announced that Waiting for Morning is getting a makeover and I am proud to announce the transformation is complete!  

After the Dawn

What do you think?  Pretty, huh!  Fran did such a great job. Thank you, Fran, you are amazing!

The first thing you probably noticed is that I am not calling it Waiting for Morning anymore. It no longer fits. I am in a new season. If I close my eyes I can feel the warmth of the morning light on my face as the sun rises on the horizon. God has been faithful to deliver the dawn.

That is not to say I don't still hurt.  I miss my babies every day and still cry for them. But I have new life in me and new strength.

This is no longer the place I pour my heart out as I wait for morning.  It is now the story of Aubrey and Ellie, their life, their death, and my journey After the Dawn.

The new title is overflowing with hope.  There is life after loss and it is the kind of life brimming with unexplainable joy and peace. The dark pain did lift to let the light of hope shine brighter than I ever thought possible.

I feel a deep sense of relief that I am in this new place. I truly thought I'd never get here even though with all my heart I wanted to get here. Since the moment my daughters' hearts beat for the last time I promised myself I would fight with everything I had to find healingreal, life-transforming healing.

What I didn't know when I began was that healing is not an event; it is a relationship.  I didn't find healingI came to know the Healer in a profoundly deeper way and I leaned hard on those who love me most. Christ did all the work transforming me and bringing me what I needed. Choosing healing means choosing the Healer. Healing is a choice, but the strength to make the choice is bolstered by the restorative power of relationship can be expressed by four powerful words: thou art with me. 

I've also learned that healing doesn't have a finish line. The process is lifelong because the relationship is lifelong. Instead of focusing on healing, I focus on Him and them-the people I love and who love me. And as my relationships deepen my pain lessens. I admit there are still times I reject the new mercies He offers each morning and choose to wallow. I grow weary or angry or I let the pain overwhelm me. Sometimes I just miss my girls so much. Even though the sun is rising I can't always see it through my tears.  But that doesn't happen as often as it used to. I don't resist as much. And this new strength in me is definitely not my own but Christ's. He is creating in me a new hunger for life and a deeper compassion for others. I feel courageous again. I see how Christ has restored my hearta heart so broken I thought it beyond repairand I know not a single tear has been wasted.

I look back on the last four years and honestly wonder how I survived. Quite frankly, there were some scary dark moments. I have not forgotten the long, hard road I endured to get here. And that is why I am so grateful to be here now.

I am SO ready to see what life holds After the Dawn.

I'd love it if you joined me. You can subscribe to After the Dawn by putting your email address in the subscribe box in the left column under the grab button.
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