Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Big Move

Some of you know already, but for those of you out of the loop-we've moved!

Swansboro, North Carolina is our new home. And this is our house.

We drove here. In two cars. Kids and dog in tow for 3000 miles.  And it wasn't so bad.  The drive went much better than I thought it would.

As a military family this should be a regular occurrence, but for us it hasn't been.  We've been so blessed to live in San Diego for the last 8 years.  My husband deployed during that time, but the kids and I got to stay. So this is really my first big move.  And I won't lie-I am having a hard time.

I miss home.

I am from Southern California originally and my family is still there. I took full advantage of seeing them regularly and never let the three hour drive prevent a visit.  We got to be together for holidays, new babies, summer pool parties, and anytime my boys asked to see Nana and Grandad. 

I miss my family.

I miss my business.  Teamotions was really gaining momentum in SoCal and I didn't like leaving it but I plan to get it going out here as well. Once I get settled (all the boxes unpacked and everything in its place) I will get cracking full steam ahead. Crystal is manning the West Coast while I open up the East Coast-I am sure good things will follow.

I also miss my friends. And I miss Dustin's friends. And the mountains and ocean right next to each other.  The weather. The hiking trails. And the organic food!  Turns out organic is still a bit of a foreign concept here. And Cups LaJolla Brulee J organic cupcake with custard in the middle and caramelized sugar on top-BEST EVER. I wonder if I can mail order a dozen? They also make the best mocha I've ever had with homemade chocolate sauce and organic whole milk. I will miss those most at Christmas time.

I miss Aubrey and Ellie.  I realize I carry them in my heart where ever I go but not being able to visit their gravestone and leave flowers for them makes me sad.  I feel like I left them behind.  They were conceived in San Diego, born in San Diego, and died there as well. And our house was the house they were supposed to come home from the hospital to.  There is a room in that house I painted yellow just for them and set up two cribs in.  That house knows about them.  It was intended for them. This house doesn't know anything about them. And that makes me sad.  I am working on ways to incorporate their memories into our home but in the meantime it feels like something very important is missing.

Mostly I miss familiarity.  It has always been hard for me to transition.  I don't like that lost feeling of a strange new place.  I mean, it isn't like North Carolina is Mars or something, and I can already sense that there is lots to love about this place-but until I get a little more established I have this constant feeling of anxiety (time for Teamotions Have Hope tea!) and loneliness.

It doesn't feel like home-yet.

This may sound a little out there but my biggest source of anxiety right now is that my landlord will not let me paint.  White walls are not the worst things except that our walls look like someone gave a two year old a paint brush and said go crazy.  There are about three different shades of white on these walls blotched about under the disguise of "touch up" paint.  And it is making me crazy!  I'd appreciate any ideas with a solution to this renter's dilemma.

I really want to make this house a home.

Lastly-if you follow my blog and live in my area and have always been curious about Teamotions Teas I'd be happy to come and do a tasting for you.  I am working hard to get a buzz going out here and I'd appreciate the help.  And it never hurts just to taste right! I also speak/teach for MOPS groups and other moms groups and grief groups.  I jump at any opportunity to comfort others with the same comfort I have received through Christ and tea.  If you'd like to taste my emotional well-being teas or have a speaking opportunity for me please Leave a comment or email me at 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Ways to Remeber

I've decided that I want to incorporate Aubrey and Ellie's memory into my life in more creative ways.  I was wondering if any of you out there have suggestions for me. 

Through Teamotions my girls' lives touch many and I get a powerful platform to not only speak about them and tell their story but give hope to other moms like me who think healing is impossible.  I feel so blessed to have my tea company but I don't want to honor my girls just in my business.  I want them in every part of my life just as they are in every nook and cranny of my heart.

I have a memory chest filled with all their things but I don't like that feeling of keeping them in a box in a corner of the house...I'd like them all over the house, in every room, represented in a way that brings smiles-not tears-to our faces.

My sister and I were brain-storming what we could do and we came up with the following ideas:

1) Draw or paint pictures dedicated to each of my daughters and frame them and put them up in the house. I am not an artist so I would have to take some art lessons-but that could be fun!  It wouldn't be obvious the pictures were for Aubrey and Ellie but I would know and I would think of them whenever I saw them.  And if someone asked about any of the pictures I'd have an opportunity to tell them about my girls.

2) Put more of their things out around the house.  I'd love to get a beautiful tall bookshelf to display the blankets my mother crocheted for them and the vases given to me for them. They have books, figurines, and ornaments I could put on the shelves as well.  I could keep fresh flowers in their vases and use the blanket from time to time when my friends visit me with their small babies.  It would be nice to see their things being used and their memory honored.

3) Custom print and frame their Bible verses.  When each of my children were born I picked a verse for them.  I would be nice to see God's word beautifully displayed around the house. I'd like to do this for my living children too.

4) Plant a tree or flower in their honor.  Nurturing a plant or tree is a powerful way to express the nurturing I long to give to Aubrey and Ellie as their mother.  I'd love to watch something grow and produce fruit just as Aubrey and Ellie would have if they were here with us.

5) Let butterflies go!  I saw a lovely photograph of little hands holding a butterfly being set free in honor of a baby gone too soon.  I'd love to have photographs of my boys letting a butterfly go in memory of their sweet sisters framed and up in my home.

6) Donate to charities in Aubrey and Ellie's name.  For their birthday this year I made a donation to EMBRACE baby warmers but I think I will make it a habit.  Every year on their birthday I will donate to a charity/cause on their behalf.  Maybe even more than one!  And eventually I'd like to have a foundation named after Aubrey and Ellie that does all kinds of good.

So far these are all we came up with!   I would love to hear your ideas! 

Saturday, July 7, 2012


Four years ago today Aubrey left us for Heaven.

I think she missed her sister.

She close her smokey gray eyes and I whispered in her ear, "It's ok little girl, you can go," and off she went.

I miss you dearly sweet baby.  I didn't get enough time with you.  I look forward to the day we meet again. In the meantime I will live a purposefully as I can and remember what you taught me-time is precious and once it is gone it can't be reclaimed. You are always on my heart.

I love you.

Sunday, July 1, 2012


Ellie met Jesus today four years ago.

I did not have enough time with you sweet girl.  I miss you very much.  But I do have peace that you are whole and well taken care of.  I know you wouldn't come back if you could.

In the meantime I will live with a mended heart and I look forward to the day you will introduce me to our Savior.

I love you.

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