After the Dawn
What do you think? Pretty, huh! Fran did such a great job. Thank you, Fran, you are amazing!
That is not to say I don't still hurt. I miss my babies every day and still cry for them. But I have new life in me and new strength.
This is no longer the place I pour my heart out as I wait for morning. It is now the story of Aubrey and Ellie, their life, their death, and my journey After the Dawn.
The new title is overflowing with hope. There is life after loss and it is the kind of life brimming with unexplainable joy and peace. The dark pain did lift to let the light of hope shine brighter than I ever thought possible.
I feel a deep sense of relief that I am in this new place. I truly thought I'd never get here even though with all my heart I wanted to get here. Since the moment my daughters' hearts beat for the last time I promised myself I would fight with everything I had to find healing—real, life-transforming healing.
What I didn't know when I began was that healing is not an event; it is a relationship. I didn't find healing—I came to know the Healer in a profoundly deeper way and I leaned hard on those who love me most. Christ did all the work transforming me and bringing me what I needed. Choosing healing means choosing the Healer. Healing is a choice, but the strength to make the choice is bolstered by the restorative power of relationship can be expressed by four powerful words: thou art with me.
I've also learned that healing doesn't have a finish line. The process is lifelong because the relationship is lifelong. Instead of focusing on healing, I focus on Him and them-the people I love and who love me. And as my relationships deepen my pain lessens. I admit there are still times I reject the new mercies He offers each morning and choose to wallow. I grow weary or angry or I let the pain overwhelm me. Sometimes I just miss my girls so much. Even though the sun is rising I can't always see it through my tears. But that doesn't happen as often as it used to. I don't resist as much. And this new strength in me is definitely not my own but Christ's. He is creating in me a new hunger for life and a deeper compassion for others. I feel courageous again. I see how Christ has restored my heart—a heart so broken I thought it beyond repair—and I know not a single tear has been wasted.
I look back on the last four years and honestly wonder how I survived. Quite frankly, there were some scary dark moments. I have not forgotten the long, hard road I endured to get here. And that is why I am so grateful to be here now.
I am SO ready to see what life holds After the Dawn.
I'd love it if you joined me. You can subscribe to After the Dawn by putting your email address in the subscribe box in the left column under the grab button.