We went to the cemetery Thursday as a family to remember our girls. It was a beautiful day and it felt surreal to watch my two boys play on the grass around the headstone of their twin sisters. It felt like a day at the park almost or a picnic, something other than visiting the children that we lost and miss so much.
Part of me felt suspended in a dream or movie trying to wrap my brain around a family visit to a cemetery. It was something I never imagined or ever wanted, yet there we were. I had tears and smiles though. For a minute it felt like we were all together.
This is my life. As much as I try to distance myself from the heaviness of it, it is my life. I am that mom and we are that family. I am doing my best to accept it, trust God in it, and move forward. I often feel I keep one foot in it as I get some sort of comfort from dwelling in it. But it weighs me down. I'd like to shed this burden as I'm beyond exhausted. I'd like to feel free again to simply live on. I don't want to be defined by this anymore. Shaped by it certainly, but not defined.
These are the things there is no manual for. No map. No guide. I will find my way out. It has been a lot of trial and error so far and I predict it will continue to be. I will find a way to use this to make me stronger. I will discover the good that is hiding in it and not measure it to what I lost. It simply can't compare.
I only pray that I don't waste such heartache but make it count for the good of others and trust that my pain will end...eventually.