Monday, July 11, 2011

Funeral Anniversary

Three years ago today was the funeral.

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would ever attend a funeral for my own child.

Three years later I can still smell the mist from the ocean and feel the breeze on my skin. I remember feeling confused. The casket just seemed too small to fit both my girls. It was like I forgot just how tiny they were.

I just sort of phased out that day. I held their memory book and told the same story over and over to anyone who would listen. I stood at their grave side knowing that life as I knew it was over. I didn't want to leave but I knew I couldn't stay.

Somehow life has gone forward. And I did leave. Just like I left the hospital the day they each died. I was good at making myself leave, but only in body. My heart stayed for quite a while, first lingering in the halls of the NICU and eventually to the edge of their little plot. All this time my heart has been just waiting for them, missing them. It honestly wasn't until my most recent visit to the cemetery that I realized I had left my heart there for all this time.

I don't know how to move forward without them. At least not as a whole person. That is my new goal this year though; to recollect all the pieces of myself and learn how to be whole again.

As whole as I can be all things considered. It is a lofty goal. But you know me, I'm into lofty goals.

5 comments:

  1. Sometimes I wonder if all of me will ever be able to move forward. I feel stuck with one foot living my life and one foot clinging to the world in which my little girl was still a part of. How can the sun keep coming up and going down every single day without her. Perhaps it has to be enough, as you say, to be as "whole as I can be"

    PS for some reason I can only comment as anonymous.

    Karol-- Laynee's mommy

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  2. I'm very sorry for your heartbreak. It was many years after my Meredith died that I was able to grieve her loss properly. Not that I didn't want to, but friends & family wouldn't talk with me about her & my husband was at a loss himself. I had some very crummy counselors. I finally found a great Christian counselor who helped me grieve the daughter I was never allowed to hold.
    I didn't mean to write a book - I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your sorrow & please let me know how I can help you.
    (((HUGS))) - Sarita
    sboyette@tx.rr.com

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  3. My name is Karen Smith, and I have been following your blog for awhile now. My son had a genetic, metabolic disorder, and died on March 23 of this year. He was two and a half.

    A researcher I know sent me an article of a study she did. It's called "Living in a World Without Closure: Reality for Parents Who Have Experienced the Death of a Child." This article made me cry, and it just encapsulated so much of what I feel and what other parents have told me. There were four points to it, but the main one was that parents did not have "closure" about the death of their child, and THEY DIDN'T WANT IT. Instead, they learn to live with out leaving their children "behind," to move on, yes, but move on somehow and take their child with them.

    I don't know if this speaks to you as it spoke to me, but I too am not leaving Joel behind. He's not only in my past. He is still part of my future, and I'm learning how to work that out as my life here on earth continues apart from his physical presence. I sure do miss him, though. I go to Joel's grave a lot, and one of the last times I was there, the grave of a little girl who died the day she was born, had a beautiful birthday balloon on it. This little girl had died ten years ago... and ten years from now, I think I'll still be leaving birthday balloons on my boys grave.

    If you are interested in reading the article, by the way, I will email it to you. You can message my blog.
    Your sister in Christ,
    Karen

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  4. ps. my blog is rainbowsearthquakes.blogspot.com

    For some reason I had to post "anonymously."

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  5. don't have more words,god bless them.

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