Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Choosing to be Chosen

I woke up more slowly this morning than usual. I stared at the ceiling listening to the baby on the monitor. I needed to get up, but I just didn't want to.

Since Mother's Day I've felt a heaviness in my heart. It, like much of my life, is a bittersweet experience, stirring up both joy and sorrow with in me. The sorrow seems to have lingered though. This morning I felt it especially.

I forced myself out of bed. Once I got the kids fed I made myself a cup of tea and here I sit, the heaviness still in my heart and my computer in my lap, trying to put how I'm feeling into words.

Where to begin?

I still have moments when I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who is staring back at me. I often can't believe that this is my life. Sometimes it seems too much to accept, too much to truly wrap my head around. To further complicate things, the more time goes by the more the blessings of my life become entangled with the disappointments, so much so that I can't seem to separate the two. Without the pain I would not know God as I do now and I would not have all the accompanying blessings, but it all seems to have come at the highest possible cost, a cost I am still resentful of at times. It is something I simply do not understand.

I don't like feeling this way though. I know that every single moment of my life, everything that has happened, filtered through God's hands first. It was all purposefully allowed. It was chosen for me. I was chosen for it.

The hard part is choosing to be chosen.

God has chosen each one of us. He has allowed our lives to be what they are and has woven his perfect plan throughout every part of them. Like Joseph in the pit and Job on a heap of ashes, we all cry out. We want to know why? Why my babies? Why my family? Why my life? Why me?

But also like Joseph in the pit and Job on the ashes, we cannot see God's big picture. All we can do is trust, trust that God has allowed this pain to bring about a purpose that could never be accomplished without it.

God may or may not bring us out of our pit, but He will join us in it, and He will certainly be glorified through it.

Choosing to be chosen doesn't mean choosing the circumstances, it means choosing Him despite the circumstances. It means choosing to trust and choosing to obey.

I didn't choose what happened to my girls. In many respects, I didn't choose this life, it was chosen for me.

But everyday I strive to choose the Chooser.

I choose Him. I choose His will. And I choose His purpose.

I choose to be chosen.

Do you?

3 comments:

  1. Beautiful words! I'm praying for you today!
    Jessica

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  2. Beautiful & powerful, thank you for sharing!

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  3. Oh wow... what you wrote in this post really hit home! And what a great lesson to share with us. While I can't relate to having lost precious children (I am still single), I did lose a dear friend of mine to murder. He and his fiance were just "in the wrong place at the wrong time" and someone with purely evil intentions snuck up on them and shot them to death as they slept (while camping out) on a remote beach in northern California. It's been almost 7 years now and their killer is still out there... and we all wonder why God allowed it to happen. They were amazing Christian people with a passion for serving Christ in the "great outdoors" (they were camp counselors at a Christian adventure camp for kids) and they had such great dreams for their future together! So I am baffled as to why God allowed it. However, I have seen such incredible beauty grow from the ashes of this grief. Countless people have come to know Christ through their story and it truly touches my heart to know that God literally changed the eternities of people because of this. It still brings me to tears to think of Jason & Lindsay because they are dearly missed, but it is such a priceless gift to know they're in heaven... now more alive than ever before! And we'll see them again someday and never have to say good-bye.

    So anyway, your question to us as to whether or not we "choose to be chosen" or "choose the Chooser," really touched my heart! Thank you for this perspective.

    God bless you & your family! I will be praying for you all as you navigate this road of grief and healing. Like you said, God is with you every step of the way! He's in the pit with you... let Him continue to carry you through it.

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