I woke up more slowly this morning than usual. I stared at the ceiling listening to the baby on the monitor. I needed to get up, but I just didn't want to.
Since Mother's Day I've felt a heaviness in my heart. It, like much of my life, is a bittersweet experience, stirring up both joy and sorrow with in me. The sorrow seems to have lingered though. This morning I felt it especially.
I forced myself out of bed. Once I got the kids fed I made myself a cup of tea and here I sit, the heaviness still in my heart and my computer in my lap, trying to put how I'm feeling into words.
Where to begin?
I still have moments when I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who is staring back at me. I often can't believe that this is my life. Sometimes it seems too much to accept, too much to truly wrap my head around. To further complicate things, the more time goes by the more the blessings of my life become entangled with the disappointments, so much so that I can't seem to separate the two. Without the pain I would not know God as I do now and I would not have all the accompanying blessings, but it all seems to have come at the highest possible cost, a cost I am still resentful of at times. It is something I simply do not understand.
I don't like feeling this way though. I know that every single moment of my life, everything that has happened, filtered through God's hands first. It was all purposefully allowed. It was chosen for me. I was chosen for it.
The hard part is choosing to be chosen.
God has chosen each one of us. He has allowed our lives to be what they are and has woven his perfect plan throughout every part of them. Like Joseph in the pit and Job on a heap of ashes, we all cry out. We want to know why? Why my babies? Why my family? Why my life? Why me?
But also like Joseph in the pit and Job on the ashes, we cannot see God's big picture. All we can do is trust, trust that God has allowed this pain to bring about a purpose that could never be accomplished without it.
God may or may not bring us out of our pit, but He will join us in it, and He will certainly be glorified through it.
Choosing to be chosen doesn't mean choosing the circumstances, it means choosing Him despite the circumstances. It means choosing to trust and choosing to obey.
I didn't choose what happened to my girls. In many respects, I didn't choose this life, it was chosen for me.
But everyday I strive to choose the Chooser.
I choose Him. I choose His will. And I choose His purpose.
I choose to be chosen.