Today my son Dustin told me that he counted all the people in our family. He pointed to me and to Colton and to himself and added in dad of course and then pointed to heaven twice and said "five and six." He smiled sweetly as I rubbed his head and told him how much it means to me that he remembers his sisters and counts them. I love that he takes his big brother roll so seriously. He has always been an old soul.
I spent the rest of the day missing my girls but in a different way than usual. No tears, no depression, no questions...I just let myself feel the void. I listened to the silence made my two missing little girls and looked around at the mess that wasn't there. The Aubrey and Ellie shaped hole in my heart is permanent, but I'm getting more used to it. Not that I like it, but I accept it. It is just part of me now.
I am making strides.
I wish you could all meet my little Colton. At 8 months old he already has five teeth! He is crawling all over (has been for a while now) and loves to eat blueberries. His latest totally adorable habit is this little wave he does. I think he has discovered his hands and is impressed with how he can make them rotate at the wrist. He holds both of them up and waves countless times a day with this darling look on his face. He is in awe as am I. In awe of my amazing baby and all the cute things he does. And amazingly I feel that awe most of the time without wondering what cute things Aubrey and Ellie would have done that I will never see. Instead of sadness I smile.
I am making strides.
The past two weeks have been rough for me. I got sick. And I mean SICK. I got this sore throat cough and congestion thing that latched on to me and wouldn't let go. I was even sick on my birthday. I HATE being sick, and not just because it is miserable, but because I always blame myself for getting sick. I just know it is my own fault for not taking care of myself like I should or eating too much processed food or not getting enough sleep (I blame Colt for that!) and I just know that my body is trying to tell me something, trying to send me a message, if only I could figure out what that message is. I took herbs and Vitamin C and wrapped a hot pack around my neck with essential oils all in a attempt to heal myself. I was determined to beat it . But I didn't. It kicked my butt for 11 days straight. 11 DAYS STRAIGHT! I was miserable without question, but this time I forgave myself for getting sick. I let myself off the hook for not being indestructible. I also didn't let my disaster of a house make me feel like failure as a wife and mother. Being sick and house keeping are fundamentally opposed and I let it all be ok.
I am making strides. (And I feel much better now...I am back to training for the Tough Mudder)
Blessed. Content. Healthy.
I would have never thought it possible.
Yet it is.
"...with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26