I can't shake this funk.
I think (well, I know) that I am tired. I was in San Fran the last five days launching my tea at the Fancy Foods Show. It was an amazing time. It was so validating to have such a positive reception. Teamotions got rave reviews to say the least. It was so rewarding to tell Aubrey and Ellie's story. But it absolutely exhausted me. All the talking and the standing drained me more than I anticipated. Since I returned I am barely functioning, but it was worth it.
Aside from being tired though, I am in a funk. It is as if I have a cloud hanging over me. I feel this way from time to time unfortunately. It seems to be part of my life now. But I can't seem to shake it this time. Truth be told, I'm feeling pretty low.
Since Aubrey and Ellie died I have struggled with bouts of depression from time to time. When I get tired or run down I seem to be more susceptible. Usually all I need is a day or two to snap myself out of it...
I have always had a hard time turning off my brain. I think a lot about a lot. You name it and I have probably given thought to it at some point in my life. I have the ability to talk a lot also, but if people knew how much I think about that I never talk about they would realize I exercise a lot more self control than it seems. The bottom line is, my brain never stops and sometimes it is down right tormenting.
Lately I feel like I am ALWAYS coming up short. I am not the mother I should be. I don't get enough done every day. I am not as fit as I should be nor am I thin enough yet because I still can't fit into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I don't know enough about the things I ought to know about. I don't read as much as I should. I don't eat as healthy as I should. I don't workout as often as I should. And I certainly don't give God the time and attention He deserves.
I constantly fear not paying enough attention to all the things I should be paying attention to. My house is a mess, I let my son watch too much TV, and since I got home from San Fransisco my milk supply has been down. Drastically down. Colt refused to nurse today and it crushed me. He isn't even six months old yet and I feel as if he doesn't want anyting to do with me. If I would have known my milk supply would have suffered so much I would have never gone or found a way to take him with me, after all, it is my responsibility to make sure these kinds of things don't happen right?
If I don't pay enough attention something bad will happen again. It was not paying enough attention that took my girls from me in the first place.
I know it sounds crazy but that is honestly how I feel. I cannot explain to you how many times I have wondered if I had paid more attention would Aubrey and Ellie still be alive?
I also don't feel that there is a single place in my life where I can go and not be measured, judged, rated, and graded. I miss having that safe place where I am not constantly critiqued and compared.
Sadly, my worst critic is probably me. I am the one who carries so much guilt and blames myself for my daughters' deaths. I am the one who can't stop comparing and critiquing myself every minute of every day.
Not a day goes by that I don't want a rewind or do-over. If only...right?
Forgiving myself has been the most difficult part of healing. It is much easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself. I can give others the benefit of the doubt, but giving myself the benefit of the doubt would require ignorance about my inner thoughts and that is impossible to do.
I know myself better than anyone. Every thought, every action, every inaction, every motive, every secret...all of it. And I can't seem to just let it all go.
I need advice. How do I forgive myself? How do I let it all go? How do I shake this funk?