Friday, January 21, 2011

The Funky Funk

I can't shake this funk.

I think (well, I know) that I am tired. I was in San Fran the last five days launching my tea at the Fancy Foods Show. It was an amazing time. It was so validating to have such a positive reception. Teamotions got rave reviews to say the least. It was so rewarding to tell Aubrey and Ellie's story. But it absolutely exhausted me. All the talking and the standing drained me more than I anticipated. Since I returned I am barely functioning, but it was worth it.

Aside from being tired though, I am in a funk. It is as if I have a cloud hanging over me. I feel this way from time to time unfortunately. It seems to be part of my life now. But I can't seem to shake it this time. Truth be told, I'm feeling pretty low.

Since Aubrey and Ellie died I have struggled with bouts of depression from time to time. When I get tired or run down I seem to be more susceptible. Usually all I need is a day or two to snap myself out of it...

I have always had a hard time turning off my brain. I think a lot about a lot. You name it and I have probably given thought to it at some point in my life. I have the ability to talk a lot also, but if people knew how much I think about that I never talk about they would realize I exercise a lot more self control than it seems. The bottom line is, my brain never stops and sometimes it is down right tormenting.

Lately I feel like I am ALWAYS coming up short. I am not the mother I should be. I don't get enough done every day. I am not as fit as I should be nor am I thin enough yet because I still can't fit into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I don't know enough about the things I ought to know about. I don't read as much as I should. I don't eat as healthy as I should. I don't workout as often as I should. And I certainly don't give God the time and attention He deserves.

I constantly fear not paying enough attention to all the things I should be paying attention to. My house is a mess, I let my son watch too much TV, and since I got home from San Fransisco my milk supply has been down. Drastically down. Colt refused to nurse today and it crushed me. He isn't even six months old yet and I feel as if he doesn't want anyting to do with me. If I would have known my milk supply would have suffered so much I would have never gone or found a way to take him with me, after all, it is my responsibility to make sure these kinds of things don't happen right?

If I don't pay enough attention something bad will happen again. It was not paying enough attention that took my girls from me in the first place.

I know it sounds crazy but that is honestly how I feel. I cannot explain to you how many times I have wondered if I had paid more attention would Aubrey and Ellie still be alive?

I also don't feel that there is a single place in my life where I can go and not be measured, judged, rated, and graded. I miss having that safe place where I am not constantly critiqued and compared.

Sadly, my worst critic is probably me. I am the one who carries so much guilt and blames myself for my daughters' deaths. I am the one who can't stop comparing and critiquing myself every minute of every day.

Not a day goes by that I don't want a rewind or do-over. If only...right?

Forgiving myself has been the most difficult part of healing. It is much easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself. I can give others the benefit of the doubt, but giving myself the benefit of the doubt would require ignorance about my inner thoughts and that is impossible to do.

I know myself better than anyone. Every thought, every action, every inaction, every motive, every secret...all of it. And I can't seem to just let it all go.

I need advice. How do I forgive myself? How do I let it all go? How do I shake this funk?

6 comments:

  1. I wish there were a quick easy answer to the questions you ask. You know, do this and it will all be better. Unfortunately there is no quick fix. This grief thing, it's a beast. Forgiveness, especially of ourselves, is a difficult thing which I too have struggled with. My daughter drowned, there were five of us there and I was twenty steps away. How does one forgive such complete and utter failure? Forgiveness does not come in a lightning bolt moment. We must forgive again and again. Each time I think of how she died see the image of her body in the pool, I must make that choice to forgive. In order to forgive, I must first accept my humanness. But more importantly, I must accept GOd's sovereignty. God was in control, not me. Jalayne's days were numbered, this was the day, the very moment that God had ordered his angels to come for her. Nothing I could do would stop what was going to be. I despise the means that God chose for Laynee to take her last breath. I despise it with a deadly passion. I've asked God a million times, why couldn't you have done something a little less traumatic? Couldn't her pace maker just have stopped working? Wouldn't that be the logical way to take her? Because I recognize God's power, I am able to find that place again and again, that place where I can forgive myself for my own inadequacies.

    You've made quite a list of areas in which you come up short. Only one of them struck me as an area where you might want to improve. Give God the time and attention that he deserves. Actually, I don't think that any of us are capable of giving God what he deserves. We are, after all,merely human. Put time in your day, be it early morning, when your children nap, or after you feed the baby, to allow God to work in you. 30 minutes a day, put your tea aside, put your workouts aside and pour yourself into the word. Buy a journal and tell him all the things that you just told us. All those things that you would like to say, but don't? Tell Him. He is, after all, the one who perfected this thing we call forgiveness.
    Praying for peace for you

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  2. It seems as though you took these words from my head. I have been in a similar rut (minus the nursing part) the past couple weeks. It's tough, but know that you aren't going at this alone. We're all here, sending you love and support.

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  3. The guilt trip is one of Satan's favorite tools, I think. It is so easy for me to run cycles of things I've done or failed to do over and over in my head and tell myself "this is why you don't have this or that," etc. But that's not what God's Word says...his word says that His purposes are actually beyond finding out.

    I'm looking forward to seeing what He will do with my failures almost as much as I am with the things that I succeed in, because then His hand is even more evident.

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  4. The funky funk: you could cuddle and nurse Colton as much as you can, knowing that he, Dustin, Aubrey and Ellie couldn't possibly have a better mom than you!
    I have a name for when I start feeling the same way as you: swirling. I hope you're feeling better soon.

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  5. I do agree that it is hardest to forgive yourself. With Jordan, I thought I had forgiven myself early on but what I really learned was that it was false forgiveness. Beneath the surface I was punishing myself and I failed to recognize it for years. Once I finally seen that I couldn't do it myself I went to God and thru Him and bible study I was able to make peace finally with myself and many other things.

    What could help you? I can't say but I hope that you can find it.

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  6. Wow, Rachel, when I read this is was is if I could have written a portion of it myself. I have recently realized I critize myself in my head every day, all day, on how things could be improved, or how they are (I am) not good enough. We deserve to give oursleves a break. I didn't even kow guilt was what I was feeling unitl it was pointed out to me.
    Look how much you've accomplished since being dealt the worst blow-twice! Your girls (and boys) :) are definately proud of their mother. As I suffer from similar feelings, I dont have the answer to your questions. But I have found this process of living after the loss of children is not a steady uphill heal.
    Hang in there (())

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