Saturday, January 1, 2011

Bag of Rocks

So many wonderful women leave comments on my blog, other women who have walked in my shoes, some ahead of me and others behind me...and although I am so sad for their losses and would give each one of them back their babies if I could, I am thankful that we have been able to find each other. Through them I learn so much and just knowing their stories makes me feel less alone. I wish we could all have tea together someday and meet in person.

Since I began pouring my heart out on this blog over two years ago I have been warned many times to beware of the unpredictability of grief. It has a way of sneaking in unexpectedly and it takes new forms over time. I am just now seeing how true this is.

The birth of my new son this past July was the highlight of my year. His birth was the first true joy I had experienced since my daughter's deaths. It is hard for me to explain it honestly. It was like I had been holding my breath until then and I was finally able to exhale. Something in me came alive again.

But a new baby has not been the remedy I anticipated. The daily joy of my new little one has stirred up new layers of intense grief. And I am frustrated that I didn't see it coming.

My dad and I were talking on the phone a while back and he told me that he found an old journal belonging to my Grandad who passed away about three and a half years ago. In it my Grandad wrote about how we all have our bag of rocks to carry, that life is not always easy and our burdens are not always light. Sometimes I wish my Grandad was still alive so I could ask him how on earth I am supposed to carry this bag of rocks because it seems to be getting heavier all the time. He died before I lost my girls.

My bag of rocks is crushing me these days. I am down right exhausted. And I feel angry because the weight of my grief is stealing the joy of my new son. I feel like everyday is a fight, a literal fight, to keep the good things from being swallowed up by the sadness swirling inside.

I'd like a different bag of rocks please.

Or I'd like to at least be able to throw every rock in my bag at something. I don't know at what but it would sure feel liberating to just let them fly.

But since I can't throw them and I can't trade them what do I do with them? I feel overwhelmingly weighed down. Why did I get this bag of rocks? I feel like I got a heavier bag than most.

Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

I guess the answer is to ask for help. This is my bag of rocks and always will be, but I don't have to carry it alone. Jesus promises to help me.

Some days I honestly doubt if God is really helping me or not. I feel like I am carrying this all by myself. But the very fact that I am surviving each day, that the heaviness of my grief hasn't crushed me completely, is proof enough that Jesus has helped me carry these rocks every minute of the last two and a half years.

Some rocks are impossible to carry on our own.

I'll leave you with Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil for you are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Happy New Year!


  1. I love Psalm 23...
    You can throw a rock toward me. I'll metaphorically catch it and hold it for you.

  2. Maybe the bag of rocks is liek teh thorn in Paul's side that he was never able to get rid of either. It is what we must carry in this life. I know I wish I could put mine down. Praying for you, I know I have a friend who has warned me (my rainbow is due soon) that there seems to be a "re-openeing" of grief with a new baby. Joy, but also a bitter rememberance of what you lost. Not to mention the sheer fact that the last of your babies you held in your arms was dying! I am tryign to anticipate it, but I know I can't really prepare for it. So sorry, this is one mroe thing we must bear...

  3. Certainly God will help us carry the rocks in our lives. I know it can be tough at times because they can seem so heavy. I know Lainey has brought me so much joy since her birth but it also makes me miss her sister with more intensity.


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