Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Little Feet

My sister-in-law took pictures for me of all the keepsakes I have of Aubrey and Ellie. I will post them all later, but tonight I wanted to post just this one. These are Ellie's hands and feet cast in plaster. I don't have one for Aubrey because she died in a different hospital. My amazing social worker Maria did this for us after Ellie passed away. I treasure these little precious gifts and when I saw this picture tonight I lost it. I miss my girls. After more than two years I still feel like it just happened. Those little hands and feet belonged to my baby, I touched them myself, and I'd give anything to touch them one more time.

Beautiful Tea

As many of you know my sister and I have started a tea company called Teamotions. It is my way to honor the memory of my girls. We created 6 different teas blended with herbs that have emotional well-being properties. The tea is delicious and a perfect way to inspire healing. One of our blends-Tea Restfully-an apple cinnamon chamomile tea for rest and rejuvenation won FIRST PLACE at the North American Tea Championship!

I just wanted to let you all know that we will be taking down our website temporarily on September 20th so if you want to place an order, you must do so NOW. After that only pre-orders will be accepted until January when we will fill all those orders with our NEW PACKAGING. Also, after September 20th, the sachet sampler pack will no longer be available.

Teamotions is currently undergoing a makeover. The names of the teas will be changing, as well as the packaging, and we are building a beautiful, professional website...but the tea inside the packaging will remain the same. Now is your chance to try our tea before it is "officially" launched to the public. This is an exclusive invitation of sorts. And everyone who has placed an order before September 20th will receive a special "thank you for supporting us from the beginning" gift in January after we go public.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

New Post on Perseverance Blog

Perserverance Project #3 is here. Check my other blog for the details. The link is under the scripture in the upper left hand corner. Will you join me? I hope so!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Still Holding My Breath

I just wanted to say thank you for the wonderful advice you have sent me already. There seems to be a theme among your words: Take every thought captive. Thank you for not only reminding me of the importance of this but that I am not the only one who struggles in this way. And thank you for pointing me back toward my Jesus, my comforter and the true source of my joy.

I was just in tears a moment ago trying to express to my husband that I've been struggling lately. I hesitate to talk openly about this because I don't fully trust my emotions right now. I just had a baby and I am more than sleep deprived so tears come easily these days. I am sure many of you can relate. But this is different. I think my struggle is real. I am not just tired and hormonal. I'm, well, I think I'm scared.

I have come to the realization that I am still holding my breath.

Since Colton was born I've experienced a revival almost. The joy that accompanied his birth breathed life back into me. He is so precious and small and cute. He has the fattest little cheeks that puddle on his shoulders. This week he smiled a real smile for the first time and I felt my heart melt. I just love those little magical moments.

But I find myself not enjoying them like I should.

Recently I spent three days in the hospital with Colt. He woke up with a rash of blisters on his cheek and a swollen eye so I took him to his pediatrician to make sure he was okay. He was only four weeks old so I was wanted to err on the side of caution. But what I thought would be a quick appointment ending with a prescription for some topical ointment of some kind became three miserable days in Children's Hospital testing Colt for HSV.

It was not fun at all. Herpes in infants can be life threatening so we had to do the tests for Colt's protection which included tapping his spinal fluid (twice because the first time was unsuccessful) to test for the virus and starting him on an antiviral that is given through an IV, an IV that took five attempts to finally get, in a vein in his foot that failed within 12 hours. Did I mention that the medication takes an hour to administer (every eight hours) and it hurts as it goes in? My poor little guy was not a happy camper and neither was I.

In the end it turned out not to be HSV praise the Lord. We never did find out exactly what caused the rash of blisters on his face. They sent us home with a clean bill of health. We were exhausted but relieved and Colt seemed no worse for the wear. Babies are amazingly resilient.

I, on the other hand, am less so. For days I watched him like a hawk in case the rash showed up again or he exhibited signs of illness. It took a while for my anxiety to lessen and when the fog finally cleared I realized something...

Since the moment I got pregnant with Colton I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I held my breath through the entire pregnancy praying nothing bad would happen but bracing myself for the worst. I thought that when he was born I would be able to breath again. But I still couldn't.

I was scared those three days in the hospital most definitely, but what I realized is that I am scared pretty much all the time. I don't walk around freaking out, but inside I am bracing myself for the impending tragedy, whatever it is.

I have never struggled like this before. I have never been a paranoid or fearful person. I don't know what to do with these feelings. Especially when I know they are robbing me of my joy with my son.

I need advice.

I know how fast the time goes. This season with Colt is going to be over before I know it and I don't want to miss is, I really don't. I want to soak it in and enjoy it without fear and anxiety. I want to be in spit-up covered bliss (my little guy spits up SO MUCH-any advice how to help him spit up less in frequency and quantity?). I want to look back on this time and know that I was fully present. Loving Colt is easy. He is irresistible. But loving him freely without the baggage is turning out to be a real challenge for me.

How do I do it?

Share your wisdom with me please. Feel free to leave advice as a comment. I'll take it to heart.
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