I am sorry I have not posted in a while. I have not only been busy, but every time I try to create an inspiring and thoughtful post I get writer's block...
The words just won't come out!
So I thought that maybe a simple let me catch you up on all that is going on post might suffice for now and at least let you know that I have not forgotten about you. My blog family is very important to me.
So, where do I even begin?
My tea company TEAMOTIONS is gaining momentum and requiring more and more attention daily. We are still finalizing our new label design (wait until you see it, it is SO amazing) while simultaneously putting the tea on the market. We are at our first retail outlet: The Babies by the Sea Boutique in Cardiff. Get our tea in their store or on their website. Teamotions teas make great gifts under $20 hint hint. Did I tell you that our blend ENJOY REST (Cinnamon Apple Chamomile Tea for Rest and Rejuvenation) won first place at the North American Tea Competition? Well it did and we are quite proud. Makes you want to try it doesn't it?
My new little guy is four months old already. I can't believe it. He is adorably chubby and has the sweetest toothless smile. I adore him.
As much as I hate to admit it though I am still adjusting to life with a baby. I expected it to come more easily this time since he is not my first, but alas I find myself flying by the seat of my pants daily, trying to balance my roles as mom, wife, entrepreneur, and athlete (or so I'd like to think). Believe it or not I plan to run a marathon in 2011 and I am determined to complete the entire P90X program no matter how many times I have to do it. I will let you know how it goes. So far not so good! Sheesh.
My biggest struggle lately is that I feel I always come up short. At the end of each day there always seems to be more left to do than got done and I never spend as much quality time with my children as I would like to. I am a mom full-time and squeeze in time for everything else as best I can...and some days go better than others.
Colt still hasn't worked out the whole sleep thing yet either so naps are sketchy, often only 45 minutes each, and nights vary. Most of the time I get up three or four times a night and our morning starts between 5am and 6am. I am tired to say the least. Sleep deprivation never helps anything.
Do you ever have those days that although you LOVE your kids more than life itself you don't necessarily love being a mom? Honestly, most days I do love being a mom. I love hitting the ground running every morning making sure teeth are brushed and food stays in the kitchen and the dog isn't chewing all the socks in the house. I love the funny things that come out of my older son's mouth and the cute smiles on my new little one's face. I love preparing snacks, reading books, and practicing our letters in our kindergarten book while simultaneously nursing, burping, or changing the baby. I am a fanatical multi-tasker!
But sometimes I have those days.
Like last week Dustin woke up in the middle of the night with a blazing pink eye infection. But he didn't just wake up, he screamed bloody murder because his eyes were crusted shut. My husband did the honors of ungluing Dustins' eyelids so to speak because I was squeezing in a few more moments of sleep because I was up four times with the baby already. The next morning I managed to get a same day doctor's appointment which sent us scrambling to make it on time at the last minute. I nursed and dressed the baby in what I thought was plenty of time, only to have him spit up all over himself just minutes before we had to leave. He got a new outfit and so did I. Somehow we made it to the doctor's on time but it wasn't without 29 hurry-ups and lets-gos from me. Not to mention all the hand sanitizing because Dustin couldn't NOT touch is crusty infected eyes and I didn't want the baby to get pink eye too. After the doctor I had to stop at the grocery store because there was no food in the house and Colt wouldn't stop fussing so I had to carry him up high on my shoulder the entire time. We got home just in time for me to put Colt down for a nap and jump on a very important tea company related video conference call only to have Colt wake up right when I logged on. I spent the whole call bouncing him to keep him quiet and he spit up all over me twice. When the call ended I collected my children in the car so that we could pick up Dustin's prescription eye drops only to arrive at the pharmacy when the pharmacist was on his lunch break. It as 4pm. Anyway, I had to pace around with a fussy baby and a four year old asking "what is this? what is that? why? can I have that?" for 20 minutes before the pharmacist returned and could give me Dustin's medicine. When we got home I put Colt down for another nap only to have him wake up half an hour later. He didn't take a nap longer than 45 minutes all day today (all week too) and I cooked dinner while holding him. Somehow I got dinner done, fed my other child, and nursed Colt while I shoving three bites of food into my own mouth. I got Colt down for the night and then put Dustin to bed, but not before the eye drop mega-drama because, well, even though Dustin knows exactly what the eye drops feel like he has to freak out every single time anyway. You'd think I was gouging his eyes out instead of just putting drops in them. By the time my husband got home at 10pm that night I was spent. I managed to get Colt down for the night just before 7pm but he was already wake again before 10pm. It was another rough night and I was up every two hours with him until 6am. Sigh.
You would think that these words could never come out of the mouth of a mother who has lost babies. How could I ever complain? Shouldn't I be thankful? Don't I know better than most what a blessing children are and just how bad things can get?
Of course I do. I'd give up sleep for the rest of my life to have my daughters back. But my daughters' deaths do not remove the reality that motherhood is hard work and, at times, completely overwhelming. I guess today I feel particularly overwhelmed.
My house looks like something exploded in it. The laundry is piled high (and I do laundry EVERY DAY). I didn't get a shower. And I have no idea if tomorrow will be any easier.
And don't forget the grief. I am still grieving. I miss my girls everyday and I can't seem to look at my little guy and not wonder about Aubrey and Ellie. I don't spend hours crying like I used to and I feel more joy in my life with each passing day, but there are still daily moments when I imagine life with them here and feel the sting of their absence yet again.
So what can I draw from these difficult times? Is this a lesson in patience? Endurance? Faith? Life?
How about priorities?
Whoever said you can have it all lied. Life is about priorities.
I may not be able to have it all but I can have the most important thing: perspective.
God will get me through this day just as he got me through the ones before it. And He cares about my troubles even if they are less troublesome than they could be. The most important thing I can do on a day like today is keep first things first. In the end it doesn't matter if my house is clean or my hair is washed.
As long as Christ is glorified despite it all the hard things may not get easier but they gain a glorious new purpose that brings with it a renewed motivation to be faithful through whatever season we are in.
What are your priorities?