I just wanted to say thank you for the wonderful advice you have sent me already. There seems to be a theme among your words: Take every thought captive. Thank you for not only reminding me of the importance of this but that I am not the only one who struggles in this way. And thank you for pointing me back toward my Jesus, my comforter and the true source of my joy.
I was just in tears a moment ago trying to express to my husband that I've been struggling lately. I hesitate to talk openly about this because I don't fully trust my emotions right now. I just had a baby and I am more than sleep deprived so tears come easily these days. I am sure many of you can relate. But this is different. I think my struggle is real. I am not just tired and hormonal. I'm, well, I think I'm scared.
I have come to the realization that I am still holding my breath.
Since Colton was born I've experienced a revival almost. The joy that accompanied his birth breathed life back into me. He is so precious and small and cute. He has the fattest little cheeks that puddle on his shoulders. This week he smiled a real smile for the first time and I felt my heart melt. I just love those little magical moments.
But I find myself not enjoying them like I should.
Recently I spent three days in the hospital with Colt. He woke up with a rash of blisters on his cheek and a swollen eye so I took him to his pediatrician to make sure he was okay. He was only four weeks old so I was wanted to err on the side of caution. But what I thought would be a quick appointment ending with a prescription for some topical ointment of some kind became three miserable days in Children's Hospital testing Colt for HSV.
It was not fun at all. Herpes in infants can be life threatening so we had to do the tests for Colt's protection which included tapping his spinal fluid (twice because the first time was unsuccessful) to test for the virus and starting him on an antiviral that is given through an IV, an IV that took five attempts to finally get, in a vein in his foot that failed within 12 hours. Did I mention that the medication takes an hour to administer (every eight hours) and it hurts as it goes in? My poor little guy was not a happy camper and neither was I.
In the end it turned out not to be HSV praise the Lord. We never did find out exactly what caused the rash of blisters on his face. They sent us home with a clean bill of health. We were exhausted but relieved and Colt seemed no worse for the wear. Babies are amazingly resilient.
I, on the other hand, am less so. For days I watched him like a hawk in case the rash showed up again or he exhibited signs of illness. It took a while for my anxiety to lessen and when the fog finally cleared I realized something...
Since the moment I got pregnant with Colton I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I held my breath through the entire pregnancy praying nothing bad would happen but bracing myself for the worst. I thought that when he was born I would be able to breath again. But I still couldn't.
I was scared those three days in the hospital most definitely, but what I realized is that I am scared pretty much all the time. I don't walk around freaking out, but inside I am bracing myself for the impending tragedy, whatever it is.
I have never struggled like this before. I have never been a paranoid or fearful person. I don't know what to do with these feelings. Especially when I know they are robbing me of my joy with my son.
I need advice.
I know how fast the time goes. This season with Colt is going to be over before I know it and I don't want to miss is, I really don't. I want to soak it in and enjoy it without fear and anxiety. I want to be in spit-up covered bliss (my little guy spits up SO MUCH-any advice how to help him spit up less in frequency and quantity?). I want to look back on this time and know that I was fully present. Loving Colt is easy. He is irresistible. But loving him freely without the baggage is turning out to be a real challenge for me.
How do I do it?
Share your wisdom with me please. Feel free to leave advice as a comment. I'll take it to heart.