Do you ever have one of those days where you wish you could throw every breakable thing you own against the wall as hard as you can?
Or take a baseball bat to every mirror and window in your house?
Or just punch something until you can't lift your arm anymore?
I do. I am.
I am having one of those days today.
And it isn't because I am angry. Well, it is a little bit because I am angry. But I am angry because I feel powerless.
Powerlessness is an overwhelming reality that will take you straight by the throat and squeeze the life right out of you.
I woke up at 4am this morning and looked around my dark bedroom with that horrible how did I get this life? feeling. I have had this conversation with myself MANY times before. I tell myself to calm down, to accept my life, and to remember the good that is in it and not dwell on only the bad. But some days I feel so overwhelmed by how difficult and sad my life is I feel like I literally talk myself back from the edge...
Some mornings I just want to jump.
Jump into a different life, the one way easier than the one I currently live, the one with Aubrey and Ellie in it, alive and well.
Jump into a different relationship because, after all, a better husband would solve all my problems right?
Jump in the car and drive I don't even know where, just somewhere else, and maybe never come back.
Jump into blame and resentment, into despair, into self pity, for the hand I have been dealt.
Jump into powerlessness, refusing to even try anymore to push through, because, well, it is just too hard. Too hard to persevere, too hard to hurt all the time, and too hard to keep reminding myself day after day that it isn't really that bad because some days it IS really that bad. And honestly, I am flat out exhausted.
This blog post is my attempt to force some perspective on myself since I am having one of those days. I am talking myself back from the edge yet again, this time publicly and tangibly.
Life can be so hard. You all know what I am talking about. We all have our different hardships. And mine are not limited just to losing my girls. I am battling here and have been for a very long time, refusing to give up, refusing to give in, refusing to accept defeat...and I get tired. Really tired. It sometimes feels like it would be so much easier to just throw my hands up and scream how unfair it all is and just wallow in the relentless difficulties of my life.
I don't think that would really help anything. And it wouldn't be easier. I would simply be trading one misery for another. I would be giving up.
Remember how I talked before about how pain tells lies?
Well, here is the truth despite the pain: There is no life, no situation, no circumstance, no pain, no tragedy, no marriage, no decision, NO ANYTHING outside of God's restoration power. Life can and will push us to the edge, but it is the gentle wooing of the Holy Spirit that entices us back again. On our own we are powerless and will be crushed under the weight of it all. But with Christ, all things are possible. He will carry us.
I guess complete exhaustion, the kind that literally goes to the soul, is sometimes what it takes to get us to be still and quiet long enough to realize that all this striving and battling and wrestling is not always what is best for us. Sometimes our greatest victory is in the surrender.
Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air... 1 Cor 9:26 NIV
It is ok to rest. Just lay down. Stop beating the air. Find shelter from the difficulties of your life in Him. He wants you to.
You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat... Isaiah 25:4 NIV