Yesterday I was in Aubrey and Ellie's room digging picture frames out of the closet. Empty frames that I had collected and saved for them. I was going to put their pictures in those frames and hang them up in their room.
After they died I couldn't go in their room for a long time. And when I did I felt very uncomfortable. It felt so empty in there.
Their room never got to be used for its intended purpose so by default it became sort of a catch-all room. I put guests in there when they stay overnight and use the closet for extra storage. I have yet to set up the crib for the new baby.
I still call it Aubrey and Ellie's room.
It has been getting hot here and for the first time in a long time I put the air conditioner on to cool the house. When I opened the door to Aubrey and Ellie's room to look for those picture frames a blast of hot air hit me. I walked over to the air vent and stood on the glider to open it realizing that it was closed and cool air could not blow in.
As I stood there adjusting the vent I said to myself I don't want my little girls to burn up in here.
I stepped down and paused for a minute.
Aubrey and Ellie are gone, Rachel. This room is for the new baby now. You don't want the new baby to burn up in here. You are not bringing your girls home. You are bringing your son home.
I had to take a moment to get my head back on straight. I know that Aubrey and Ellie are gone but sometimes I think my heart cries out for them in unexpected ways. I know that this baby is not them nor will he ever fill the Aubrey and Ellie shaped hole in my heart, even when he does fill the empty nursery.
But I do feel a little crazy sometimes. I still wake up some mornings and listen for them. I still have to remind myself it all really happened. And I am not sure that will ever change. Some realities take a lifetime to truly accept I think.
A few days ago my husband asked me if it is going to be weird for me to have two children. We know the knew baby will be here very soon. It is amazing how pregnancy can feel like an eternity and a blink at the same time. I told him that it won't be weird to have two, but weird not to have three. And he responded "So it already has been weird not to have three you mean."
I shook my head yes.
There was never supposed to be just two. There was one, then three, and the new baby makes four. Having two boys will be amazing. I love my two and I am thankful for my two. But two girls will always be missing. And that seems to make even the most wonderful things a little bittersweet.
I am still getting the hang of being a baby lost mama. It is a lot more tricky than I ever imagined. I get frustrated constantly adjusting and readjusting, trying to get my heart and mind on the same page, and trying to feel like I am not crazy, just still hurting.
Aubrey and Ellie's room isn't going to be their room anymore very soon. And I am very sad about it. It isn't like we moved the twins to a big girl room to make space for the new baby. It is a very painful transition and although I can't wait to bring home the new baby, I feel like the moment I put him in his room I will grieve for my girls all over again. I want to welcome him home, but I don't want to have to say goodbye to my girls again.
Sometimes I just don't know how to take the next step.