Thursday, March 18, 2010

Stained

I have been nesting lately.

This is pretty par for the course for me. Around 20 weeks of pregnancy I start organizing, decorating, and sorting through everything. Every cupboard and drawer gets gone through. I part easily with things so I send a lot of stuff to our local Goodwill store. And I take inventory of what I need to get before the baby comes. All I want to do all day is make my house as homey and functional as possible. Its fun.

For my birthday my sister gave me a sewing machine! I have been wanting one so badly. My sister and I attempted to share my mother's old one, but we live pretty far from each other and it really wasn't working out. Now I have my very own. I spent the afternoon today setting up my sewing "nook" in my bedroom so that I can get started on all my "nesting projects."

One project I have been planning for a long time is making a baby blanket with the bedding I saved from when Aubrey and Ellie were in the hospital. I kept all the blankets that ever touched their bodies. My sister was going to do it for me to honor my girls, but before she could get started I called her in tears and asked to do it myself. I feel strongly that it is something I need to do for them. And I guess for me too.

The problem is I can't bring myself to do it.

I pulled out their bedding today and when I opened the tiny little blankets I saw the stains. Each one a vivid reminder of the little lives that made them.

Those blankets held my girls more than I did. They got to touch them when I was only allowed to stare through the incubator glass. They kept my girls warm as they took their last breaths and covered them with dignity as I walked them back to their beds for the very last time.

Now those stained blankets are all I have left. And I can't bare the thought of washing them. When I touch those blankets I touch my girls. I'm not ready to wash that away.

I may never be.

For the time being I decided just to keep them as they are, memories and stains intact. I put them back in their memory boxes and there they will stay until I decide I am ready.

In the meantime it comforts me to know that I can still touch the last thing that touched them. Just like those blankets are stained, so I am. Stained with love, loss, and all the memories that come with it.

Nothing can wash those stains away.

5 comments:

  1. I can't wash blankets or clothes she wore. I never will. I might wash away her smell. Can you make the quilt without washing the blankets?

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  2. When you are ready you will do it, it may be years, that's ok! I can't wait to see your 1st sewing project! I did a few blankets for a friend that way when I do this little ones its a bit better than the first few attempts :) I have been nesting too, I did lots of sewing projects, and attempting to organize things! Its better to do it when you aren't so big, that way you are more efficient, that's how I look at it :) Thinking of you!

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  3. I never washed anything that touched Carleigh. Her hospital outfit has blood still on it and the outfit she was in when we took her to the funeral home still has embalming fluid. I put it in an airtight ziploc back and sealed it. It just doesn't feel right to wash it.

    I love the idea of the quilt. Maybe someday...

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  4. The cap that Magnus wore in the hospital has a bit of blood on it, and for me, it's a reminder that he was real, and that he lived, however short a time. There is something about wanting to keep a physical connection or memory for as long as we can.
    All best with your other nesting projects.

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  5. I can imagine how you feel, I feel that way about Ashlyn's hat...
    and the blanket I was making for her that never got finished, still sits in the basket with the ball of yarn attached. I can't change it, even to finish it off, and no-one has touched it but me...
    hugs

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