Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sorting It All Out

I am sitting here alone (my husband has been gone since Wednesday flying his helicopter cross-country for maintenance) watching The Biggest Loser (love it) shifting my attention back and fourth between the show and the songs I am singing in my head.

...Some say we need a miracle.
Some say there’s no hope at all.
But I know Your love is strong,
it goes on and on and on and on.
Rise up when it gets us down.
It’ll be the voice in a blaring crowd
Because we know Your love will lead us home
It goes on and on and on and on…

Good song. It is called On and On by Chasen. Been stuck in my head for days.

Also, a single line from one of my favorite songs won't leave me. When I say it won't leave me I mean it has taken up permanent residence I think. It has been there for months now. But I love it so much I don't mind.

'Cause I can see the light Before I see the sunrise (Alive Again by Matt Maher).

Amazing song. Worth a listen if you have not heard it before. That single line sums up my faith. That is why I named this blog Waiting for Morning. I have never been without the Light, even in my darkest times.

I have had a heavy heart lately. I am struggling to figure out what the best course of medical action is for this pregnancy. I am not comfortable with some of the things my doctors are recommending. My goal is, of course, the health and safety of my baby, but honestly figuring out how to accomplish that is easier said than done. My research does not always match up to what the doctor's tell me. It is hard to get answers I trust.

I don't want to make decisions solely out of fear, but I also don't want to be ignorant of real risks.

But I feel compelled to protect my baby. And not only from preterm labor, but from interventions that may be harmful and pose real risks. I am the only one who can stand in the gap for my child, and I take that extremely seriously.

But I still worry. I know that ultimately, no matter what I decided, I am not in control. Nothing is a guarantee. My trust cannot be in my doctors nor in the choices I make, it has to be in Christ alone, as only He can protect my unborn baby.

His stats are convincing. 100% of the time He is Good and 100% of the time His ways are perfect.

I wish the medical studies I have been reading had stats like that.

But since they don't, at least it makes it a clear choice of what my ultimate decision should be.

Trust Him.

His love is strong. And it goes on and on.

In such an imperfect world full of imperfect circumstances and situations it is nice to know we can put our complete faith into a perfect God. His ways are not our ways thankfully. And that is the only reason I can sleep at night.
In the darkness of my confusion, I see the Light before I even see the sun rise.
I call with all my heart; answer me, O LORD, and I will obey your decrees. I call out to you; save me and I will keep your statutes. I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises. Ps 119:145-148

4 comments:

  1. I can so relate to the feeling of having a heavy heart. I'm so sorry that you've been forced into the club grieving Mommies. None of us want to be here, but we do what we can to support each other. I understand your concerns about possible treatment options, but you're putting your trust in the right place. Trust Him and He will guide you in the right decision for you and your baby. I know it's overwhelming, but I'm confident that He will get you through. I pray that you and your peri can come up with a great plan and that you'll get the info you need after meeting with them. I'm so glad that we've found each other's blogs. You are in my prayers.

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  2. I wish I had something brilliant to say to give you comfort and assurance, but I just do not. I just wanted to stop by and say that Im thinking of you and continuing to pray for you. *HUGS*

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  3. I looooove Chasen's song. And Matt's song too! They are both good and I crank them up when I hear them on KLOVE. Praying for you to know which routes to take.

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  4. I'm wishing you peace about figuring out what to do. There is so much information out there.

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