I am scared this baby will be a girl.
I know that sounds horrible. But I am.
I am afraid that if I have a little girl I will spend the rest of my life living out EVERYTHING I am missing out on without Aubrey and Ellie.
Sometimes I think it would be easier not to know.
I already have a boy so another one would be familiar. I would have my boys with me and my girls in heaven and it would simply be the way it is. I think I could settle on that.
But a little girl scares me to death.
Would she look like my girls? Would I call her by her sisters' names on accident? Would I compare her to Aubrey and Ellie even though I would try not to? Would she remind me every day of the two girls that are missing from my life? I honestly feel a lot of anxiety at the thought of a baby girl.
I had a dream the other night that this baby was a girl. In my dream the doctors put my newly born baby on my chest so I could see it, and looking up at me with bright blue eyes was a beautiful little girl. She had blond hair and long lashes and rosy cheeks. She was lovely. And I felt peace.
So why don't I feel peace right now?
Being pregnant again has been infinitely harder than I ever imagined. I was not prepared for the emotions that have been stirred up. I waited almost a year an a half since my daughters' deaths to get pregnant again to make sure I was ready, really really ready. But I guess there is no such thing.
Don't get me wrong. I want this baby. I want this baby very much. But I want my girls too, more than ever (if that is even possible).
My girls are missing from this and it hurts.
These are the moments I find myself on my face before God, asking him to help me. These things are so much bigger than me and I am easily overwhelmed by the grief that is still very present in my life.
I mean, seriously, what mother is scared of having a baby girl?
One who has lost two baby girls already.
I don't think my anxiety is unfounded, just unnecessary. Having another daughter will not make losing Aubrey and Ellie any harder...nor will having a son make it some how easier. Either way they remain gone, and I think that is what really gets to me.
I miss my girls.