Saturday, January 16, 2010

Something is Missing

I am scared this baby will be a girl.

I know that sounds horrible. But I am.

I am afraid that if I have a little girl I will spend the rest of my life living out EVERYTHING I am missing out on without Aubrey and Ellie.

Sometimes I think it would be easier not to know.

I already have a boy so another one would be familiar. I would have my boys with me and my girls in heaven and it would simply be the way it is. I think I could settle on that.

But a little girl scares me to death.

Would she look like my girls? Would I call her by her sisters' names on accident? Would I compare her to Aubrey and Ellie even though I would try not to? Would she remind me every day of the two girls that are missing from my life? I honestly feel a lot of anxiety at the thought of a baby girl.

I had a dream the other night that this baby was a girl. In my dream the doctors put my newly born baby on my chest so I could see it, and looking up at me with bright blue eyes was a beautiful little girl. She had blond hair and long lashes and rosy cheeks. She was lovely. And I felt peace.

So why don't I feel peace right now?

Being pregnant again has been infinitely harder than I ever imagined. I was not prepared for the emotions that have been stirred up. I waited almost a year an a half since my daughters' deaths to get pregnant again to make sure I was ready, really really ready. But I guess there is no such thing.

Don't get me wrong. I want this baby. I want this baby very much. But I want my girls too, more than ever (if that is even possible).

My girls are missing from this and it hurts.

These are the moments I find myself on my face before God, asking him to help me. These things are so much bigger than me and I am easily overwhelmed by the grief that is still very present in my life.

I mean, seriously, what mother is scared of having a baby girl?

One who has lost two baby girls already.

I don't think my anxiety is unfounded, just unnecessary. Having another daughter will not make losing Aubrey and Ellie any harder...nor will having a son make it some how easier. Either way they remain gone, and I think that is what really gets to me.

I miss my girls.


  1. You're not alone. When I was pregnant with Jeffrey I was so afraid of having a girl and I was honestly relieved to find out we would have a boy. However, I can tell you that even after he was born I found myself comparing their characteristics. I've wondered if their personalities would be similar. I dreamed of how they would play together were she still with us. Overtime I've embraced these thoughts and they've become fewer and far between. I believe it's a natural process that any Mom who's experienced loss will go through.

    Now that I'm expecting baby #3, I'm welcoming the idea of a girl. I believe we've come full circle.

    Praying for you!

  2. I just stumbled upon your blog. We lost our daughter of 2.5 years, a few months ago. We also have a son with CP and severe mental retardation. Your blog stirs all sorts of emotion in me. In regards to your current concern of the gender of the child you carry, Of course you are scared to have another little girl. That, I think, is very natural. I want to encourage you to put your trust in God's divine power and wisdom. He knows exactly what you need. I pray for peace and restfulness of mind as you await the birth of your new child.
    Blessings to you

  3. I can relate to so much of what you're saying, Rachel. I had trepidation both about having a girl after losing our daughter, and not having a girl since I already have two sons and she was just so wanted and loved. We just found out our rainbow is a little boy, and I think God just knows exactly what we need, and I believe this little boy will part of God's plan to help heal our hearts, just as a daughter would have been. I will be praying that you have peace during the upcoming weeks, and when you find out the baby's gender. I had three dreams ours was a boy, and they turned out true.:) Either way, I think it will ultimately bring so much healing for you to hold your own new baby in your arms! Big Hugs!!

  4. I have found myself on several occasions calling my daughter Kyndra by Carleigh. It actually makes me smile because I know that if she were here with us I would be doing it so it's a little bit of a comfort to me to know that even though she's not with us that I do it too.

  5. In a way, I know what your mean. Often, almost daily, when I'm spending time with my son, I think of how I won't ever be able to do these things with Bridgitte and Ashlyn. I have conflicting emotions. On one hand, I am so, so, so very grateful for my little boy, and soak in every single second, tender and trying, funny and awestruck, exhausting and inspiring. For me, I'm glad I don't not know, because it makes me even more grateful for what I have. But I also feel a cloud overhead, knowing all I will miss these moments with my girls, watching them reach milestones, whether early, late, or on-time. Miss their beautiful smiles, their cries, hearing them say, "mommy". And it hurts...

    I'd say it's normal to be scared, who wouldn't be in your position? Take care of yourself, and try to draw on that faith you have that I admire so much. Easier said than done at times, I know, but if anyone can, it's you.


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