Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Doctor's Appointment Update

So...

I have returned home from my doctor's appointment.

And I have nothing but good news to report.

First I want to say thank you to all of you who were praying for me and standing with me today. I felt surrounded by peace and full of hope and there was no doubt in my mind that Jesus himself was in the room with me today.

I had some time to myself in the exam room waiting for the doctor. Sitting in the hospital gown I spent the silence staring at the ceiling pouring my thoughts out to God. Mostly I just told Him how much I trust Him and how deeply I want Him to be in control of every aspect of my life.

Losing Aubrey and Ellie ripped out from under me the carpet of illusion I had established my life on, some false idea that I was actually in control, when in fact I was in control of nothing. It rocked me to the core to say the least to watch helplessly as my babies slipped from me, but as God rebuilds my insecure soul, He replaced the faith I used to have in myself (the faith that failed me miserably) with a transformed and deeper faith in Him. I sat on that cold table at peace, believing that God was in control, and that is plan is better than mine could ever be.

I also had an opportunity to share my heart with God one last time about how much I wanted twins. And I really poured out my heart. As I was talking though I heard a whisper interrupt me.

It is a new baby and a new hope.

I instantly remembered the dream I had last night. In my dream an angel brought me a magic magnifying glass to see inside my belly with. When I looked inside I saw one tiny baby with a beaming smile looking back at me. All I could do was smile back in awe. I gave the magnifying glass back to the angel and before he vanished he winked at me. I was overcome with pure satisfaction.

At that moment in the exam room I let go of my expectations and had to admit to myself that I was not fully accepting my new gift. I wanted so badly to have my previous gifts back again that I was not being fully open to the new blessing God has given me, a new blessing with a new hope.

Finally the doctor came in to do the ultrasound. When the ultrasound image became clear there it was, one beautiful fluttering bean shaped baby. And I was thrilled. We looked all around for another one just in case, but it was not to be found. My little bean was by itself enjoying a little extra wiggle room.

I did not feel sadness or disappointment. I felt joy and amazement. It always blows my mind to see that little heart beating away. Life is such a beautiful thing.

It felt wonderful saying hello to my new little one, but it also meant saying goodbye again to my girls. There is no replacing them and seeing just one baby on the screen drove it home that Aubrey and Ellie are not in there and they never will be again. And even though I know that, I think I needed today to reset my expectations.

New baby, new hope.

My girls will always live in my heart and will not be forgotten ever. A new pregnancy will not erase them. But I see that I constantly need these little nudges to keep pushing me forward. I needed to see my little one on the monitor today and say hello to the new baby in my life. I needed to see what hope looks like after loss...

It is shaped a lot like a kidney bean.

I also have more courage now to embark on the high maintenance pregnancy ahead of me now. I will be giving myself progesterone shots weekly to help prevent preterm labor and will have to have an amniocentesis at week 36 to evaluate the development of my babies lungs. As soon as the baby has developed enough to be born I will have a c-section. My doctor does not even want me to go into labor. Many precautions are being taken this time around.

But I know that only God can protect my baby. And I trust Him to guide my doctors, quiet my heart, and protect the good work He has started. Little baby bean is in the best hands possible.

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers. I was carried today by them. I am so thankful for all of you.

13 comments:

  1. So inspiring. You are truly an amazing woman.
    Thanks, as always, for sharing with us.
    XO, Misty

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  2. I am so happy that everything went well today and that you are in good hands. Xxx

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  3. Very inspiring post, Rachel. I am so happy your appointment went well and that you got to see your baby. Dustin, Aubrey, and Ellie will get to have a baby brother or sister.

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  4. Congratulations! Beautiful post. What an amazing dream! We serve an awesome God.

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  5. I am very happy that the appointment went well today!

    Nicolle

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  6. New Baby, New Hope. Beautiful.

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  7. Your dream is pretty neat. I am thrilled to hear the good news!!! It's SO amazing when you first hear that heartbeat. I will never forget that sound with Jenna and with this little one. I cannot wait to see what God has in store with your little one!

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  8. Wonderful news! I am very happy for you!

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  9. Congratulations! I'm so happy that the ultrasound went well. May God continue surrounding you with peace and confidence as you move through this pregnancy. Blessings on you all.

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  10. What a great way to look forward. New baby, new hope. We all know you will never forget your sweet girls. They are impossible to forget!! I am very glad to hear the the US went so well!

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  11. This is such a beautiful post, Rachel! That was a pretty amazing dream. I really related to so much of what you said. We just found out yesterday we are having our third little boy, after losing our daughter last May. I love the idea that this is a new baby, and a new hope. While I would love to have another little girl, this little guy has a future all his own and I am so blessed to have him. Thank you for that great perspective. May God richly bless you in the months ahead with your new hope!!:)
    If you get a moment, stop by my blog, I do have a prayer request for our little one.

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  12. Ahhhh....can't wait to meet your little "bean" :).Love ya!

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  13. Im so glad to hear all the good news! Ive been thinking of you, and although I can't say what Ive been doing is actually "praying"...let's just say I'm sending my hopes and good vibes your way. Prog. shots are a B&#@*, if they let you ice first and heat after, it helps, and push it (the liquid) in slowly, like over the course of 1-2 minutes, so it doesn't oooze back out (if its thick and in oil). I had to mix mine, and if you do, don't make the mistake I made of using the mixing needle (I call it the "horse needle") to inject-supersized bruises and sore! Unfortunately, I had so many different needles, I had a hard time telling which were for what.

    You made me realize that although I am angry with God, maybe what is harder for me is not having any control over what happened, and anything that will happen in the future. Maybe that's what I'm really angry about??? I am happy for you that you are able to do so, you need that right now.

    PS I used to call my son "bean", he was so small. I smiled when I read about yours :)

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