I have returned home from my doctor's appointment.
And I have nothing but good news to report.
First I want to say thank you to all of you who were praying for me and standing with me today. I felt surrounded by peace and full of hope and there was no doubt in my mind that Jesus himself was in the room with me today.
I had some time to myself in the exam room waiting for the doctor. Sitting in the hospital gown I spent the silence staring at the ceiling pouring my thoughts out to God. Mostly I just told Him how much I trust Him and how deeply I want Him to be in control of every aspect of my life.
Losing Aubrey and Ellie ripped out from under me the carpet of illusion I had established my life on, some false idea that I was actually in control, when in fact I was in control of nothing. It rocked me to the core to say the least to watch helplessly as my babies slipped from me, but as God rebuilds my insecure soul, He replaced the faith I used to have in myself (the faith that failed me miserably) with a transformed and deeper faith in Him. I sat on that cold table at peace, believing that God was in control, and that is plan is better than mine could ever be.
I also had an opportunity to share my heart with God one last time about how much I wanted twins. And I really poured out my heart. As I was talking though I heard a whisper interrupt me.
It is a new baby and a new hope.
I instantly remembered the dream I had last night. In my dream an angel brought me a magic magnifying glass to see inside my belly with. When I looked inside I saw one tiny baby with a beaming smile looking back at me. All I could do was smile back in awe. I gave the magnifying glass back to the angel and before he vanished he winked at me. I was overcome with pure satisfaction.
At that moment in the exam room I let go of my expectations and had to admit to myself that I was not fully accepting my new gift. I wanted so badly to have my previous gifts back again that I was not being fully open to the new blessing God has given me, a new blessing with a new hope.
Finally the doctor came in to do the ultrasound. When the ultrasound image became clear there it was, one beautiful fluttering bean shaped baby. And I was thrilled. We looked all around for another one just in case, but it was not to be found. My little bean was by itself enjoying a little extra wiggle room.
I did not feel sadness or disappointment. I felt joy and amazement. It always blows my mind to see that little heart beating away. Life is such a beautiful thing.
It felt wonderful saying hello to my new little one, but it also meant saying goodbye again to my girls. There is no replacing them and seeing just one baby on the screen drove it home that Aubrey and Ellie are not in there and they never will be again. And even though I know that, I think I needed today to reset my expectations.
New baby, new hope.
My girls will always live in my heart and will not be forgotten ever. A new pregnancy will not erase them. But I see that I constantly need these little nudges to keep pushing me forward. I needed to see my little one on the monitor today and say hello to the new baby in my life. I needed to see what hope looks like after loss...
It is shaped a lot like a kidney bean.
I also have more courage now to embark on the high maintenance pregnancy ahead of me now. I will be giving myself progesterone shots weekly to help prevent preterm labor and will have to have an amniocentesis at week 36 to evaluate the development of my babies lungs. As soon as the baby has developed enough to be born I will have a c-section. My doctor does not even want me to go into labor. Many precautions are being taken this time around.
But I know that only God can protect my baby. And I trust Him to guide my doctors, quiet my heart, and protect the good work He has started. Little baby bean is in the best hands possible.
Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers. I was carried today by them. I am so thankful for all of you.