"Mom, do you remember when you ran your running race?"
With a mouth full of food I nodded Yes. "Was it fun to watch mom?" I asked.
"Yeah. Some people were faster than you and some were slower than you."
"Yes, that's true." I said smiling.
"And you won!"
" Well, no, I didn't win honey."
"Yes you did. I saw you." He insisted.
"You saw me cross the finish line, Sweetie," I insisted back trying to seize an opportunity to teach him that winning wasn't the point.
"No mom, you were running for a long time and then you won."
"The important thing is to always try our best right?"
"Mom, to me you won."
"Thank you Buddy. That makes me feel good. " My heart melted inside.
He just smiled at me and finished his lunch.
There are moments in my life when the light of God's provision chases away even the darkest reminders of what has been taken from me. My son, without question, is a daily reminder of God's perfect provision in my life through all levels of hardships. Since the day I learned I was pregnant with him, he has been God's instrument of encouragement in my life.
When my husband was in Iraq for 8 months during my pregnancy, it was my growing belly that got me through the loneliness of that time.
Holding Dustin for the first time was the purest form of joy I have ever known. And that joy has only increased. Even in the difficult times, the joy remained.
There was no way I could have known that Dustin would be God's conduit of comfort during the saddest time of my life. But God did. He knew what I would need before I even needed it-grace in the form of a little blond-haired blue-eyed boy.
After Aubrey and Ellie's deaths, my love for Dustin was often the only motivation I had to heal. So much of my hard work to mend my broken heart has been for him. Trust me, I've fallen off the wagon, but I got back on because I never stopped loving my son. Holding him every day kept me going.
I think God gives us these tangible reminders because he knows we need them. Sometimes the spiritual things feel so abstract. Yet God understands. He knows our limits. And He lovingly provides us with exactly what we need.
Sometimes I don't even know what I need, but I recognize it when it arrives.
To me you won...
Those words were perfect. A gentle and much needed reminder from the Holy Spirit that I am not failing.
I am healing.
God has provided all along.
Not that God's provision takes away my pain. I still miss my girls. Nothing will fill that void until Heaven. But it does encourage me.
Before this void ever formed in my heart He made a way to fill it by providing His own son. Jesus went before me so that I can follow.
In this race I will never be first across the finish line. But I don't need to be. God will get me there in His time, not mine. In the meantime I will be confident that I have everything I need to persevere and ultimately this race is won.
I think that is really what my son was telling me.