Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hmmm....

I have a lot of thoughts today. Ok, I have a lot of thoughts every day, but more so today, if that is even possible.

Thoughts and questions. Challenging questions.

I have ALWAYS been a question-asker. My elementary school teachers used to go crazy having me in class with all my questions. I was often told not to raise my hand again, and to let someone else have a turn. When I was little my mom knew the answer to every question I asked and I was amazed by that. I would ask her how she knew everything? She just laughed at me.

I can't help it. I like to know how things work and why. I like to understand processes and outcomes. I like to know what comes before and what comes after and what happened in the middle. I like to have all the information available.

And when I don't "get" something, it really bothers me. I have become quite proficient at finding the answers to most all my questions.

Except Why?

My questions used to be so much easier than the ones I ask now. My mom can't answer my questions anymore. And now that I am an official grown-up (I gave myself that title when I said goodbye to my baby girls as I felt that I aged fifty years in a minute losing them) I realize that my mother was not a genius, just an adult, and adults know more than kids.

But they don't know everything.

No one knows why? And try as I may, I can't find the answer on my own.

Not all questions have answers. (They didn't tell me that when I was a kid either, another "lesson" I learned losing my girls.)

But I think it is still ok to ask them.

I think I have made peace with the unaswerable why? Because I know Who.

And that is better than an answer.

Besides, I have moved on to other questions these days.

With a new baby on the way I cannot get this one question out of my head: How do I know everything will be ok?

I don't. (Did I just say that out loud?)

I don't! Sometimes I just want to scream those words at the well-meaning but ignorant people who make empty promises to me that THIS TIME everything will work out...they just know it.

They don't know anything.

I don't know anything.

I certainly HOPE and PRAY I get to bring this new baby home. I am absolutely in love with my little one already and am filled with expectations of raising another child...

I WANT THIS BABY!

But I can't be certain of anything...except HIM.

The same Jesus that walked with me then, walks with me now. The Jesus I know loves my children even more than me will keep his promise...He will make a way where I cannot...He will protect what I cannot....He will save what I cannot not....and NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I can trust Him.

He is, was, and always will be TRUSTWORTHY.

So on a day like today, when I have a lot of questions, I quiet my heart not with the knowledge of answers, but with a real faith refined by fire...

And simply trust.

5 comments:

  1. you have put into words what I have been feeling since this pregnancy started.

    xx

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  2. Congratulations on the new little one...I guess I missed you last post! It is hard to "know" that all will be okay, we have lived through it with our babies before. I guess we have to believe and have faith, like you beautifully said. xx

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  3. Beautiful, well spoken entry! For the last month, I've felt ok about this pregnancy but every since the second I told everyone, I've been freaked out about it. But I know that I know that I know God is in control and His ways are better than mine. He will carry us through these tough months ahead, bringing us out with victory! Praying for you!

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  4. I'm one of those people to that likes to know the ins and outs of it all. I think to cope with not knowing the whys I learned all there possibly could be to learn about anencephaly.

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  5. Rachel, you always inspire me. Love your heart and frankness in your faith! it's refreshing. Peggy just says Wow!

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