I have a lot of thoughts today. Ok, I have a lot of thoughts every day, but more so today, if that is even possible.
Thoughts and questions. Challenging questions.
I have ALWAYS been a question-asker. My elementary school teachers used to go crazy having me in class with all my questions. I was often told not to raise my hand again, and to let someone else have a turn. When I was little my mom knew the answer to every question I asked and I was amazed by that. I would ask her how she knew everything? She just laughed at me.
I can't help it. I like to know how things work and why. I like to understand processes and outcomes. I like to know what comes before and what comes after and what happened in the middle. I like to have all the information available.
And when I don't "get" something, it really bothers me. I have become quite proficient at finding the answers to most all my questions.
My questions used to be so much easier than the ones I ask now. My mom can't answer my questions anymore. And now that I am an official grown-up (I gave myself that title when I said goodbye to my baby girls as I felt that I aged fifty years in a minute losing them) I realize that my mother was not a genius, just an adult, and adults know more than kids.
But they don't know everything.
No one knows why? And try as I may, I can't find the answer on my own.
Not all questions have answers. (They didn't tell me that when I was a kid either, another "lesson" I learned losing my girls.)
But I think it is still ok to ask them.
I think I have made peace with the unaswerable why? Because I know Who.
And that is better than an answer.
Besides, I have moved on to other questions these days.
With a new baby on the way I cannot get this one question out of my head: How do I know everything will be ok?
I don't. (Did I just say that out loud?)
I don't! Sometimes I just want to scream those words at the well-meaning but ignorant people who make empty promises to me that THIS TIME everything will work out...they just know it.
They don't know anything.
I don't know anything.
I certainly HOPE and PRAY I get to bring this new baby home. I am absolutely in love with my little one already and am filled with expectations of raising another child...
I WANT THIS BABY!
But I can't be certain of anything...except HIM.
The same Jesus that walked with me then, walks with me now. The Jesus I know loves my children even more than me will keep his promise...He will make a way where I cannot...He will protect what I cannot....He will save what I cannot not....and NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I can trust Him.
He is, was, and always will be TRUSTWORTHY.
So on a day like today, when I have a lot of questions, I quiet my heart not with the knowledge of answers, but with a real faith refined by fire...
And simply trust.