Monday, November 16, 2009

A Good Question

***UPDATE***
I feel compelled to amend this post a bit. I have receive a number of touching comments and emails that have nudged me to share just a bit more of my heart on this matter.

For those of you who are wondering, it has not been easy for me to say YES to God in this regard. Not at all. As a matter of fact, I have to say yes daily, sometimes hourly, as my grief undermines my trust over and over. It is a daily battle I fight, a choice I continually have to make, to let what I KNOW override what I FEEL as I walk this long, slow journey of healing and restoration.

And I still have moments I honestly can't say it. All I can do I ask God to carry me there again, to the place where I once said yes, to cast yet another stone of remembrance for the grace I have in my Savior who still holds me despite my hurt and anger. He sits so patiently with me while I wrestle my unbelief serving me living water whenever I wearily request it.

And it is these moments of intimacy, these glimpses of my Heavenly Father's heart, when I accept that HE IS ENOUGH. I don't even have to say it, HE JUST KNOWS, as I rest awhile in the same loving arms that hold my girls, that hold all of us, if we just let Him.

For those of you who are not there yet. Don't lose heart. Just this morning I wasn't there again. But I'm back now and so you shall be if you let God finish the work He has begun in your heart and in your life.

It is never a mistake to trust God. Easier said than done I know, but it is the truth. It is NEVER a mistake to trust God. Be strong fellow sojourners. Have faith. You'll get there.

Original Post Follows

********************************************************************************

I know I promised pictures from the half marathon, but I don't have them yet. As soon as I do I PROMISE I will post them.

In the meantime I wanted to share something with you.

Those of you who follow my blog regularly probably saw that last week I added a blog button on the top left corner that says "Praying For Lydia." If you click on it to meet Lydia and read her story you'll be blessed I promise. Maybe you will even join me in praying?

Jen (Lydia's wonderful mommy and a friend of mine) is a fantastic writer and photographer. She truly writes from the heart and I have learned so much from her about how to trust God through pain and uncertainty. You would think that I would have something to teach her since my tragedy came first. That my experience would put me ahead of her so to speak. But it is not so. Her post Before Lydia touched me more than any other so far.

I love how God never stops weaving our good and His glory into the tapestry of our lives. What God is speaking to Jen is really what he is speaking to all of us, reminding us of who He is and what He wants to be in our lives. But He can't force himself into our hearts. We must invite him in and allow him to be everything to us. He has to ask the hard questions and wait for our answer.

If I say NO forever, am I enough for you?

I have spent the last year and a half declining to answer. I wanted to use my silence to buy time, waiting to see what God did before I made my decision. Truthfully I was afraid what saying yes would mean for me. Would making God enough mean losing what I loved so dearly? Even now it hurts to think back on all the "no's" God said to me while I prayed for a miracle for my girls, while I prayed for their very lives.

God, please stop my labor.

No.

God, please spare my babies from all the complications of premature birth.

No.

God, please let Ellie live.

No.

God, please let Aubrey live.

No.

And not just no for now or no for a while but no FOREVER.

If I say NO forever, am I enough for you?

I heard this question repeatedly in my own mind the days Aubrey and Ellie were alive. Every time I looked at my sweet girls' faces this question echoed in my soul.

But I could not answer.

As I sat and stared at their tiny casket the day of their funeral I remember hearing it again but differently this time.

Am I enough for you?

God had said no to me. If was no longer in the question.

I still could not answer.

Pain makes everything confusing. Those days were so hard for me and I would be lying if I said God felt like enough.

NOTHING felt like enough.

But God only felt insufficient because of who I am, not because of who He is. Who God is does not depend on how I feel about Him. He remains enough, even in my darkest moments. Even when the answer is no forever. His love is perfect. His ways are always good. It is God's nature, the very essence of who He is, to care and provide for us all that we need if we allow him to. And He is willing and able to do it IN EVERY WAY.

You just have to answer the question Yes.

When nothing feels like enough...

HE IS!

Are you ready to answer yet?

I am.

Finally.

Better now than never.

I'm a little scared.

But completely sincere.

YES Lord, you are enough for me.

I have made you and I will carry you;I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isa 46:4

5 comments:

  1. Yay! I am so glad to read that your saying yes! It took me awhile too to let go of my anger at God and speak to him again after loosing my son but looking back I think Id be so much more lost if I hadnt. HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am with you. God is enough. It hurts when He says no but I know He is wiser and better than I will ever hope to be. A great post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That is a good question, but really tough to answer. I am not there yet (hoping I will be one day). I remember looking at Jenna in her isolette and hearing God ask me something very similar, "Are you willing to let go and trust me?" I'd shake my head and tell myself she will pull through. She will. The day before she died I saw her suffering and I couldn't take it. I told God to take her if that was His will. I felt a bittersweet peace. The next day she died and it was as if God wanted me to let go.

    I love how you said "But God only felt insufficient because of who I am, not because of who He is." I never thought of it like that. But this is so true.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    XX

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, this is a really amazing post. It resonates so deeply with me, as I am in that same place right now, (though probably further back) trying to say yes to God, but so many times ending up back where I started from. I'm so glad like you said who He is is not dependent on how I am feeling about Him at a given moment. I am trying to rest in that, and you've done a beautiful job of capturing that process. It's a daily, moment by moment wrestling match much of the time!

    ReplyDelete
  5. As you know, I am struggling with faith, in a big way, since I lost my girls. Your statement about God not being enough because of who you are, not who he is has resonated with me, and I believe is true for me, too. But I'm still not there yet. I'm not ready to trust Him, or let Him back in. But I do still believe, and I guess that's a start.

    ReplyDelete

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved