Thursday, October 8, 2009

Too Real

Some people may think that there is no such thing as too real. Something is either real or it isn't. But I disagree.

Losing my girls is too real.

This morning I opened Aubrey and Ellie's memory book because I haven't in a while and wanted some time with them. The pictures remind me that they were really here. But now they are not. I still have to remind myself that this all really happened..

It is, in fact, real.

Too real.

That day in the doctor's office when I saw not one, but TWO, babies on the screen was real. Carrying them in my belly for 24 weeks and 4 days was real. Loving them was real. Naming them, planning for them, setting up their nursery for them, buying a double stroller and two infant car seats for them, dreaming about them...all real.

Sitting in a chair staring at the tiniest casket you ever saw with both my girls in it was too real.

My girls really died. That is the too real part.

I don't know why it is still so hard for me to accept that they are gone. I mean, I live it every day and have for over a year now. But for some reason today I am having an extra hard time accepting what is real.

It is simply too real.

And it hurts.

I just miss my girls.

9 comments:

  1. ((hugs)) I wish I could take the pain away.

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  2. I know it is all too real most of the time for me. I am sorry you had a hard time today. My heart hurts for you as you miss your girls.

    Love and prayers

    xx

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  3. Thinking of you during this difficult day today.

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  4. My reality is too real too. I hope you find some peace sonn. xx

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  5. I understand "Too real"..."Too well"

    I have those days where this all feels like a big blur..I have to sit & relive it, find those memory flashbacks & tell myself "I have a daughter...she was real"

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  6. I think it is time for me to look at pictures of Matthew and Joshua again too- I miss them too- I want some time with them, even though that makes it all too real. And yes- there is such a thing. I have felt that "did it all really happen" thing too...
    Praying for your heart today and wishing Aubrey and Ellie were here with you. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

    much love xx

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  7. It does feel too real. These things you shouldn't have to do. The time with them seems so brief and sometimes you wonder if it was real. But our memories of them and the pictures prove they were.

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  8. It is too real. Surreal. And it SUCKS.

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