Saturday, October 17, 2009

My Valley

Some things just cut to the core.

That is me lately. Cut clean through.

When I look at myself in the mirror I see someone I hardly recognize. I am so wounded. I can still see the pain in me. I wear it in my countenance. I wonder if I am the only one that can see it or if others can tell I hurt?

I think maybe I am just having a hard week. I do better for a while and then the hard days come back. I know I am having a rough day when I feel desperate. Desperate for a change. Desperate for an end. Desperate for the answers to my questions.

Desperate for my babies.

When will I be out of this valley?

On my run the other day some song lyrics spoke to me. I don't need to explain them. They speak for themselves.

The Valley Song by Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Yeah

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy x4

Sing of Your mercy
Mercy
Your mercy

I don't know when I will be out of this valley. And I still don't fully grasp how healing comes. It seems fleeting at best. I still feel desperate, but this time for a faith that assures, so that someday I can truly sing from my heart of His mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy.

Yeah.

5 comments:

  1. That is such a good song, Rachel! I am so sorry for the loss of your twin daughters. Your blog really resonates with me, you do a great job of expressing your struggles with faith, while still holding onto your belief. I am praying for you to continue to heal, and to come out of the valley to rivers of joy. That is my prayer for all of us.

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  2. I wish I knew how healing comes. Thanks for sharing that song. **tears**
    Hugs to you today! XX

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  3. Rachel, I am praying for you. I don't know much about healing either, but I know that God has brought you this far and I know He will be with you the rest of the way. You are the person that comes to mind when I think I cannot make it. You and a couple of women IRL.

    Love and *hugs*

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  4. Rachel, Every day I think of you and how amazing you are. Thank you for the honesty and all the things you have made me realize in my own life. Many of the things you suffer through and face head on I am reluctant to even look at, to even think in quiet moments because I dont want to deal with it. So from the very bottem of my heart than you for your amazing honesty and helping me every day of my life. I love you Rach. -Chels

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  5. I feel like I'm doing really good and then I have a moment and it takes me a bit to climb back to where I was. It is so frustrating to me at times.

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