Thursday, October 15, 2009

Fearing Hope

When Aubrey and Ellie died I put a shield over my heart. I kept loving the things I already loved more fiercely and possessively than ever. But I warded off any kind of new love or attachment of any kind. Fear and hurt consumed my life. All my energy was spent worrying if the other things I loved so much would be taken from me too. I bargained with God often.

I'll be a better Christian, I promise, just let me keep my son.
Please, I'll do anything, just don't let anymore of my children die.

Once my husband and I were talking about having another baby and I told him that I was scared to even try. I even said that if I lost another baby I would kill myself. My confession scared him. It scared me. I started seeing a grief counselor after that.

The truth is I would never kill myself. I was just scared...scared of what having my hopes dashed again would feel like. I wanted the pain to stop and never return. And the fear of not knowing if more pain was waiting for me in the future made me not want to move forward with my life.

I couldn't bare the thought of losing anything else.

I still have days when I am gripped with fear and I lose all motivation to hope and dream. Which is really sad because that is who I am. I am a dreamer and a hoper. I lost a huge part of myself when my girls died not just because I had to say goodbye to my own flesh and blood, but because in my pain I had allowed a seed of fear to be planted in my heart.

I feared hope.

Without hope who am I?

I realize that I will never be the same, but there are some changes in myself I am not willing to allow. As I heal I get stronger and more able to fight to regain what was lost. I want hope back in my life. I want hope back in my heart.

I am about to go on a six mile run. And yes I am actually looking forward to it. Like usual I will put in my ipod and let Jars of Clay lyrics fill my head and pray that the Holy Spirit speaks to me. I want the pressed down and covered up dreams at the bottom of my heart to resurface. I want to remember all the things fear caused me to forget. I want to hope today.

I want to hope always and forever.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV (emphasis added)

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Rom 5:2-5 NIV (emphasis added)

3 comments:

  1. Love you, Rachel! Praying you regain what fear has taken from you since Aubrey and Ellie died.

    xoxo

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  2. I'm scared too, Rachel. But I think it would be scarier if we weren't scared. Anyone who's been through this would be. I know how it feels to lose a part of yourself. Here's to hoping you can find a new way to hope, and allow yourself to dream again.
    PS Wouldnt you rather run to the "Rocky" theme song? Or at least "Chariots of Fire"? At the very least, the "Forest Gump" soundtrack? ;)

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  3. Praying that you can hope again. It is so hard not to have fear!!

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