I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.(Psalm 139:14)
When my son was born it was easy to not only see that he was fearfully and wonderfully made, but I was also. Through conception to birth, I carried my son without a hitch. Everything went so well I was convinced that I was meant to have babies. My body was good at it. It came so naturally. God had certainly made me that way right, wonderfully made to have babies.
Fast forward two years. My second pregnancy was a double blessing as we discovered we were expecting identical twin girls. I was thrilled! And being labeled "high risk" as twins always are did not scare me. To be honest I never gave it a second thought. I was good at having babies remember? I never worried or became paranoid. I trusted my body. I did my part and remained responsible and informed. I followed my doctor's advice, took my vitamins, got rest (as much as I could with a two-year-old) and patiently waited to meet my girls. What could go wrong?
Little did I know the magnitude of such a question. When I woke up the morning of June 24th, 2008 I knew something was terribly wrong. As I drove myself to the hospital I begged God to protect my girls and keep them in my body. It was not their time. When the doctor told me that all attempts to stop my labor had failed I felt resentment toward my own body. Why was it not cooperating? It was failing my girls.
In the days that followed I could not look at my girls without feeling that my body betrayed me and my girls were the victims of its betrayal. I will be honest, I did not feel very wonderfully made. I felt all wrong.
My girls died almost 16 months ago. In those 16 months I have learned as much about what I know as what I don't know. And today when I read Psalm 139:14 I cried because it is yet another thing I can add it to the list of all the things I don't know.
It is something I do not know full well at all.
But I want to.
I believe God's word is true. True always for everyone in all circumstances. Feeling that I am not fearfully and wonderfully made does not make it so. And only an all loving and compassionate God would desire to remind me through His Word that I am in fact these things at a time in my life when I feel like none of these things.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Despite it all, I am. Not only when everything is going right, but even in my broken and defective state, I remain a work of the Creator. God's workmanship.
His works are wonderful...even when my eyes are too blurred with tears to see the wonder of what His hands have done.
And I praise Him for that.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well.(Psalm 139:14)