I have to admit that I have been useless today. My mind has been somewhere else. Aubrey and Ellie's birthday is fast approaching and I can feel the pain creeping up on me. As the days count down I can't help but compare today to this time last year.
This time last year my girls were growing in my belly. Everyday I felt movement and kicking. We had just moved into our new house and I was doing my best to get us unpacked and settled. I was having a hard time though. My belly was getting big and increasingly in the way. I was exhausted all the time, but I chalked it up to carrying two babies at once. My third trimester was just around the corner and I was focused on the finish line. I was more than halfway there. I couldn't wait to meet my babies.
This time last year my sister was planning a baby shower for me so that Aubrey and Ellie wouldn't have to wear their brother's baby clothes after they were born. I had already purchased an amazing double stroller that came with two infant car seats. It was in perfect condition for being second hand and was a steal. I couldn't wait to use it. I was also given a double jogging stroller that was still at my parent's house. And two cribs sat in the nursery in need of assembly. But I wasn't too concerned because I knew they would be in my room at the beginning. When my son was born I couldn't let him out of my sight for the first few weeks. I figured it would be the same with Aubrey and Ellie. I couldn't wait to watch them sleep.
This time last year I was naive. I had no idea that in a few short days our lives would change forever. I didn't know that the most traumatic experience of our lives was just around the corner. I had not yet endured the realities of premature birth nor the devastation of losing children. I want to go back to this time last year. I want another chance to sit on our reclining couch with my husband's hand on my belly feeling for kicks. I want one more day to hold my son and my belly at the same time and be with all my children at once. I want my hopes and dreams back. I want my babies back.
This time last year I didn't know God's comfort like I do now. I have a new perspective of His grace and His sovereignty. I didn't understand how truly merciful the Lord is until He took my girls to heaven. Nor how persistently He pursues us to heal and restore our broken hearts. A year ago I would have told you that I could not even imagine losing a child, and a year later here I am living it. I am not the same woman I was a year ago. And I never will be again. But that is ok. I am being rebuilt and my faith is stronger now than it was this time last year.