This post is for Deana...she helped me put these thoughts into words.
I feel like I am battling again. But this time it is different. Instead of fighting the pain, I am fighting the joy. I can't seem to solve a crucial dilemma within my heart...let me see if I can explain.
A miracle has happened. Something I honestly never thought could happen. I am healing. The morning I have been waiting for is rising in the east. There has been a transformation within my very soul. Where there was only pain, relief exists. I have peace again and hope and joy...yet I feel myself resisting. I would think after hurting so deeply for so long I would embrace the healing I am experiencing. I would be excited about it. But I am hesitant. Why?
Because I don't want my healing to degrade my love for my girls. How can I have joy without compromising the severity of my loss, yet not let the severity of my loss compromise my joy? I am confused.
These are the kinds of questions I wrestle with, that turn and turn in my head as I try to wrap my mind around the depth of which losing Aubrey and Ellie has affected me. Even joy causes me pain. Peace concerns me. Hope confuses me. And I don't know how to sort it out yet.
My prayer now is for freedom. Freedom to love my girls. Freedom to miss them deeply. And freedom to have joy, hope, and peace. And not just have those things, but feel them, embrace them and not feel guilty about them.
Once again I have to truly give myself permission to heal. Truly allow God to do a work in me I don't fully understand. Help me answer questions I didn't think I would ever have. Teach me to live again. I am healing, but I clearly have a long way to go.