I miss my babies. I was in their room today sorting through all the baby things they will never use. Receiving blankets, little toys, sleep sacks, even the infant bathtub. Everything has tears on it now.
I really want to have another baby. But I am scared. I can't imagine losing another child. And I know that Aubrey and Ellie could never be replaced. But I love being a mom and I miss having a little baby. My son is so old now. He is a little boy, not a baby anymore. I adore watching him grow up, but I miss having a baby in the house. I miss nursing and giving baths and holding something so squishy and tiny. I can only pray that God has more children in my future. Despite Aubrey and Ellie's death, becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would not trade it to forgo this pain. Some risks are worth taking I guess.
For now I am going to keep all the baby stuff out. I don't want to put it away yet. I need a little more time. When I am ready I will pack it all away for the next baby, but not yet. For now it still belongs to Aubrey and Ellie and resides in their room. And someday I hope they will pass it down to their new brother or sister (or God willing, twins again) just like their brother passed it down to them. That is the proper order of things.