I wrote the following recently in a letter to a friend...
"It is strange because I understand in my mind that it isn't my fault, but in my heart, where I am still sad, I feel fear. I wonder "what if?" What if it was my fault some how? What if I didn't protect my girls? I think it will just take time to work through. I think it is what all mothers feel when something bad happens to their children, when they suffer in any way, and especially when they die...we feel responsible. I feel responsible. But I don't know if I am responsible. And I will live without knowing forever."
I don't want to be responsible for what happened, but I feel scared that I am. And the not knowing is a blessing and a curse. It just bothers me so much that my girls were healthy and developing perfectly, but were born too soon and died as a result. They were not sick. They were perfect. They just needed more time. Why didn't they get that time? What happened that they were born too soon to survive? I fear my body failed them.
But what if it did? Would that really change anything? Would it change how I feel? I did not choose to go into labor. It just happened. And I watched as my life spiraled out of control. I was in control of nothing. Not my body, not my babies, not my future, not their future. I begged God to intervene and watched helplessly as life unfolded, as if in slow motion, sadly and tragically.
I am not in control. I thought I was, but I wasn't. Control is an illusion. And wanting to accept responsibility or apply blame or find a reason is really just a desperate attempt to regain some feeling of control over a situation that can never be changed. It can't be changed now, but more importantly, it could not be changed then.
I feel myself moving closer to acceptance daily. God is slowing healing the insecurities of my heart. Mostly I am learning to forgive myself. Sometimes in life you just have to let go of things. Even when you want to hold on to them...hopes, dreams, feelings, fears, regrets, wishes, questions, even children...you have to let go. The letting go is hard and sad and slow, but my hope is that in the process I will find peace...peace with what happened as well as peace with myself...peace the surpasses all understanding.
Then God's peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7