Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Lying

I told a lie today. Some college kids came to my front door this afternoon while my son was napping trying to raise money by selling books. At first they tried to sell me a cook book but Lord knows I have enough of those. I, of course, was friendly to them and made small talk. People don't go door to door very often anymore and I was curious about what they were up to. We chatted and they asked me a bunch of questions like how long have I been married and how long have I lived here? And then they asked me the question I have come to fear more than any other...

"How many children do you have?"

In a split second the answer sort of flew out of my mouth. "Three," I said. "Wow," they responded, "three kids in four years!" "Well, two of them are twins," I went on to explain, "I have a three year old little boy and identical twin daughters." I could tell that they were sort of looking around for them. Then without hesitation I said "they're all upstairs sleeping."

At that moment I felt myself float away. My body was still standing at my front door, but my mind was somewhere else. I no longer heard what they were saying or really cared. All I could think about was what I just said. Why did I say that?

I bought one of their books, a children's book of Bible stories, and sent them on their way. I closed the door and burst into tears. I could not bring myself to tell them that two of my babies were dead, but that was not the first time I held back telling the truth about Aubrey and Ellie. Sometimes it seems more appropriate to just leave it out, especially to strangers, but I have NEVER lied about them before. I was as surprised with myself as I was disappointed. What was I thinking? Why would I say such a thing?

It only took me about a minute to understand why I lied. I said my babies were sleeping because I wanted it to be true. For some reason at that moment I wanted to pretend that my babies were not in heaven but in their cribs. I wanted to speak their names and bring them back to life. For just a minute I wanted to stop missing them and feel normal again. But it didn't work. The lie only confirmed the truth. Their cribs were as empty as ever and my lie didn't provide even a second of relief from my heartache. I was in an unhealthy place.

I feel completely desperate sometimes. I don't know how to make the pain go away. But lying is certainly not the answer. It didn't help anyway. I am trying to reach a place of peace and acceptance, but it seems illusive. The pain I feel still outweighs the peace I feel. My pain is like being stuck in a permanent fog. Sometimes I can see farther into the fog than others, but the fog is always there.

I don't know how to not miss my babies, how to not cry for them, how to not long for them. I feel like healing requires me to be someone I can't be, that it requires me to not feel and to forget, and I can't do that. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess just keep being patient, keep trusting God's faithfulness, keep waiting for morning...

2 comments:

  1. You didn't lie. You do have 3 babies, and they are sleeping "upstairs" - Literally and figuratively.
    Losing your girls is still new and very raw for you. The brain has a funny way of sparing you and others hurt/pain that is not ready to handled at that moment.
    It isn't any easier to not tell the story of Aubrey and Ellie than it is to tell it, you didn't do a diservice to yourself or your girls. There is a time and place for eveything, and this wasn't one of them.
    Dont beat yourself up. You honor your girls in every way...even if you don't think you do.
    Pretty soon, the entire world will know Aubrey & Ellie!! :-)

    Love you lots and LOTS!

    Crystal

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  2. I have just spent some time reading your blog and can SOO relate to this post. I too have lied to people at stores etc about how many I have. "Oh, I have 5 kids, they are all home with their dad." It just pops out. I think so much of me wants it to be true that there are 5 kids waiting for me at my house.

    You are so normal and such a precious mama. Keep writing....

    Sending love,
    laura

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