Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Same But Different

I wrote recently that I never got the chance to look into Ellies' eyes. But it dawned on me today that I did get to look into Aubrey's eyes and although Ellie and Aubrey are two different people, they are identical twins. Aubreys' eyes are Ellies' eyes. Although I never looked into Ellie's eyes I know exactly what they would have looked like because I looked into Aubrey's eyes. God has blessed me in ways I am only beginning to realize by giving me my identical twin daughters. What I missed out with one, God gave me in the other.

I only have a tuft of Aubrey's hair. She grew it in the week that she lived after Ellie died. It is dark red just like my son's hair when he was born. And I know that Ellie's hair would have been exactly the same. When I see Aubrey's hair I see Ellie's too.

After Ellie died the social worker made tiny plaster casts of her hands and feet. Not imprints, actual molds, perfect tiny molds. You can even see the imprint of her tiny fingernails, toe nails, and skin wrinkles. They are beautiful. And when I hold them I know that I am also holding Aubreys' hands and feet too.

When I close my eyes I see both of my girls. I see what was the same about them, but I also see what was different. I see their individuality. They may look the same, but they were not the same. Ellie was so sweet and calm. She laid in her incubator peacefully, always clutching her little clawed hand. Aubrey squirmed and protested constantly and preferred to sleep with her hands above her head just like my son did as an infant. They were each their own little person. It was precious to watch.

Aubrey and Ellie were miracles. Their sameness was a miracle and their individuality was a miracle. Only God could make two individuals so alike and so different at the same time. I honestly can't believe sometimes that God gave me identical twins. They are such a rare treasure. I looked forward to raising them will all my heart and was devastated when I had to let them go. But I remain deeply thankful for them. They will always be my precious twin baby girls.

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