Friday, February 27, 2009

Flowers

I made a promise to myself that I would keep a fresh bouquet of flowers in the house at all times in memory of Aubrey and Ellie until their first birthday. And so far I have done just that. Once a week or so I pick out a bunch of flowers for Aubrey and a different kind for Ellie. They each get their own kind of flower to represent their individuality, but I put them in the same vase so that they can be together. This week I have a cluster of Gerber daisies in a giant pink vase. Light pink ones for Aubrey and dark fuchsia ones for Ellie. I set them in my line of sight so I can see them often throughout the day. They look so pretty.

Babies and flowers have something in common. Their is something so lovely about them. I choose Aubrey and Ellies' flowers based on what I imagine their personalities to be. I often get roses for Aubrey and tulips for Ellie. Or light colored flowers for Aubrey and dark colored for Ellie. I don't know why, it just feels right I guess.

I was thinking today that I wish I would have given them each their own flower arrangement at their funeral. They deserved to each have their own, instead of one generic arrangement picked out of some funeral catalogue for them to share. I did not have the clarity of mind at the time to do that for them. And to be honest I don't really blame myself. I was in a fog of shock and grief. Now that I am thinking clearly it is one of my regrets. I think often that I would have liked to do that for them.

What I really would have liked to do for them was keep them in my belly until they were ready to be born. All my regrets added together do not equal the disappointment I have in myself for my inability to carry them full term. I realize I did not purposefully cause them harm, but I can't shake the feeling that my body failed them. I will never know exactly what happened or why. I get frustrated not having any answers. It really bothers me. But answers will not bring them back to me. Nothing will. But someday I will go to them. And I won't have to imagine their personalities anymore. I will finally know them. I look forward to that moment with all my heart.

1 comment:

  1. Rachel
    I pray for you to get to a point that you no longer blame yourself for anything that has happened. You had no choice in all of this. You did the very best thing you could have done and that is love thoes girls every day they were here. Maybe the next time you are here we could go to where they are burried and take them their own flowers. I dont have to go if you dont want. I love ya and hope to see you soon

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