I feel alone. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one that still misses my girls. I wonder if anyone else sees their little faces in their mind? Or wakes up in the middle of the night out of a dead sleep and cries quietly for them? Does anyone else imagine how old they would be now or what they might look like? Or ever mention them in conversation? Am I the only one?
I think day and night about my girls. Our family feels so incomplete. My arms are empty. The house is too quiet. I live with a constant awareness that something very important is missing. Two somethings, that can never be replaced. And this feeling is not going to go away. Part of healing is learning to exist with this permanent feeling of loss. It is like the man who loses a leg. He may learn to walk again, but always with a limp. I too am learning to live with the loss and function again despite what is so obviously missing. But for the time being the best I can do is emotionally limp along.
I feel like my girls were but a vapor on this earth. They came and left so quickly. Too quickly. Yet I grew so attached to them. It is such a miracle how instantly I loved them. There is no explanation for how I could love two little someones that I barely even knew so much. I missed out on so much with them. I never heard them cry or coo. I never fed them. I never dressed them. I never put them to sleep. I never gave them a bath or took them on a walk. I never learned their moods or routines. I only ever held each of them once. I never even looked into Ellie's eyes. Yet I loved them with all my heart. And that love is now equal to my pain. And I feel like I am the only one.
If anyone reading this ever thinks about or misses my girls will you please leave a comment? I would love to know what my girls mean to you or what impact they have had on your life. It would comfort me greatly.