Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Only One?

I feel alone. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one that still misses my girls. I wonder if anyone else sees their little faces in their mind? Or wakes up in the middle of the night out of a dead sleep and cries quietly for them? Does anyone else imagine how old they would be now or what they might look like? Or ever mention them in conversation? Am I the only one?

I think day and night about my girls. Our family feels so incomplete. My arms are empty. The house is too quiet. I live with a constant awareness that something very important is missing. Two somethings, that can never be replaced. And this feeling is not going to go away. Part of healing is learning to exist with this permanent feeling of loss. It is like the man who loses a leg. He may learn to walk again, but always with a limp. I too am learning to live with the loss and function again despite what is so obviously missing. But for the time being the best I can do is emotionally limp along.

I feel like my girls were but a vapor on this earth. They came and left so quickly. Too quickly. Yet I grew so attached to them. It is such a miracle how instantly I loved them. There is no explanation for how I could love two little someones that I barely even knew so much. I missed out on so much with them. I never heard them cry or coo. I never fed them. I never dressed them. I never put them to sleep. I never gave them a bath or took them on a walk. I never learned their moods or routines. I only ever held each of them once. I never even looked into Ellie's eyes. Yet I loved them with all my heart. And that love is now equal to my pain. And I feel like I am the only one.

If anyone reading this ever thinks about or misses my girls will you please leave a comment? I would love to know what my girls mean to you or what impact they have had on your life. It would comfort me greatly.


  1. Rachel,
    I think of your girls often actually. They are part of your family and when I think of you or Dustin I think of them too. I wonder what they would look like from being born early and what they would look like if they had been born when they were due. How very cute they would be. Identical twins! Would you have dressed them the same or different? I wonder what you would be like with them. I think about meeting you in the nursery instead of GriefShare and how different it would have been. It actually gives me a emptiness inside thinking, why GriefShare and not the nursery. These thoughts of you and your girls are not just one time thoughts but something I will always think about as time goes by. I also look at Dustin and think about how he would have been as a big brother to Aubrey and Ellie. I think he would have been very proud to be their big brother.
    You are not the only one.

  2. Rachel,
    I never got to see or meet your girls even while you were pregnant but I have known you for a very long time and my heart breaks for you. I have a special spot in my heart for you and your girls because I know how special they were and would have been to so many people. You are an amazing woman and I hope you know I appreciate you. I have a lot of the same thoughts about Micah, yeah he is here now but I do not know how long I am going to have him and I will never get to do a lot of things with him. So I just wanted you to know your girls are very special to many more people than you could even know, you, your story, and their lives have touched many people. Love ya girl

  3. I only "know" you from stumbling across your blog. Never met you. Didn't know you when you were pregnant and only learned of your story after the fact.

    But...I think of you and your little girls often. I would honestly say probably once a week easily you flash across my mind and I think about you and your babies. I say a prayer for you and your family.

    So from someone who you will never meet this side of heaven, yes, I think about your girls and I grieve for what you have lost.

  4. Rachel,
    I don't even know you nor did i ever know your girls, but rest assured that I think of them often. I have no children yet, but am so very much looking forward to the blessing of little one's in my future. I can only imagine your pain, but reading your blog on a regular basis has helped me understand just how precious life is. I hurt for you, I pray for you often, and your girls have touched my life, your story of strength and your trust in God is something that i strive to find in my own life and in my own struggles. Thank you!

  5. Rachel,

    I think about your little girls almost every day. I think about how blessed they are to have you for a mother and how much they would have enjoyed getting to know you and learning about the world from you. I think about how you would have dressed them up and taught them how to fix their hair and put make up on. I think about how you are grieving, and it breaks my heart and I don't understand. I cry for you and for them quite often.

  6. Rachel,
    I will never know your pain, nor the ways in which you have suffered in grief. But I share in the joy you felt when you found out you were pregnant with twins, and then when you found that you were having girls and yet again as you and Kirk had decided on names; Aubrey and Ellie. I am so thankful for the life that you carried inside of you and for the woman that the girls have helped you to become; bold, strong, tender and a woman of deepened faith. I don't think of their death as much as I do about their life,so tiny, so precious yet so strong and brave to try and survive in this world. Even for the mere days that Aubrey and Ellie survived...they lived... and now their memory lives...i know you wanted them, for you cannot hold a memory nor can you kiss it goodnight...you can only think on them...so lovely so pure, so innocent...they will never be forgotten.


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