The holidays were not as difficult for me as I thought they were going to be. I had hard days, sure. But over all, the holidays were a pleasant time for me. Now that the holidays have passed I feel like I've been blindsided yet again by my grief. I walked around for the first week of the new year in a fog. I felt exhausted. I could not get anything done. I couldn't keep my thoughts straight. I cried on and off throughout the day, especially in the shower. The shower has always been my secret crying place. Mostly I felt sad and disconnected for days in a row. I just really missed my girls.
I could tell that I was struggling. I could feel it. Then one morning I broke down while on the phone with my husband. It is still so hard for me. I'm overwhelmed with my grief. I just can't seem to snap out of it. I don't know what to do. My husband consoled me and offered his understanding. He reminded me that it has only been six months and not to rush my grief. I got off the phone knowing that I still had more healing to do and that I needed more time to do it. I needed to rethink some things. I needed a plan.
So I set a New Year Resolution: To Grieve.
Its a resolution I hate. I never imagined starting out any new year with this kind of a goal or mindset. But nonetheless it is necessary. It isn't that I have not let myself grieve because I have. But it is clear to me that I still have a long way to go.
Looking back I realize that I put too much pressure on myself to rejoin normal life. I tried to jump back into full function mode too soon. Some of the things I did, like run a half marathon and attend a GriefShare group, were beneficial for me. They served as physical and emotional outlets that helped start my healing process. But some other things might have been too ambitious. They didn't help as much as they exhausted me or distracted me. This year I want to do a better job of protecting myself and guarding my healing journey. I want to give myself permission to rest, to take care of myself, and to resist distracting myself from my grief.
Someday I will regain my strength and focus. Someday I will be able to return to a more normal way of living. But that day is not today. For now I will lighten my load and let healing be my top priority. Next year I want a different resolution.