Today is my fourth wedding anniversary. When I was pregnant with Aubrey and Ellie I would tell my husband that we must be crazy having three kids under the age of three before our fourth wedding anniversary. Life was just flying by. Our son was two and finally sleeping well at night. We bought our first house. We had two eight month long deployments behind us. And we had twins on the way. It had been an unexpected wild ride but it was full of blessings.
But then two of our blessings were taken away. Our whirlwind life came to a sudden and instant standstill. The future we had come to expect was altered in a blink. Our lives changed forever. Our babies were gone.
I still have a hard time accepting what happened, that our lives took such a tragic turn. When I woke up this morning I still had that heavy feeling on my chest, the one that reminds me that today was not supposed to be like this. My fourth wedding anniversary was supposed to be celebrated with two identical four month old little girls. Just like my son was supposed to have his sisters at his birthday just a few weeks ago. And my husband was supposed to turn 36 this month with three children in his arms, not one. And I will turn 29 in just a few months without my two girls. Every milestone only intensifies the tragedy of what was lost, of what will never be.
Time keeps going by, but life has yet to feel right again. And I don't think it ever will. How do I move forward with a life that never feels right? How do I live out the days that were not supposed to be? Honestly, I don't have answers to those questions. I can only do my best to let God walk me through these hard days and carry me past each milestone as they come. I don't really want to do it, but I know I need to do it. And that I can't do it without God to help me.
I guess I just resent God's help sometimes because I feel like I didn't want this kind of help, I wanted the kind of help that allowed my girls to live. It is difficult to cope with such deep feelings of disappointment toward God. But they are real. And truthfully I am not angry, just deeply hurt. Losing my girls broke my heart. Why is God so willing to help mend my broken heart but not prevent it in the first place? It is confusing. But I have faith and I trust that God will lead me to a place of healing, even if that healing comes without understanding. I accept that some things are outside of my understanding, that I will never have all the pieces to the puzzle.
In the meantime though I just try to be as real as I can be. God knows my heart anyway so I don't hide it from Him. And I know He will be patient with me as I vent my disappointment and allow Him to carry me through a lifetime of how it was not supposed to be.