I visited some friends today that I have not seen in quite a while. Whenever I visit my parents I also like to visit friends that still live in my home town. These friends have three adorable little boys. Their oldest is just a few months older than my son and the second boy is almost two and the third is six months. And they are all adorable. I enjoyed so much visiting them and my son enjoyed having some boys to play with. It was a fun afternoon.
Observing how quickly life happens I couldn't believe that they have three kids already. Three kids in three years! One of my best girlfriends from high school also has three kids. It seems like everyone has three kids. And then it hit me.
I have three kids too.
It tore me up inside. I could feel tears well up in my eyes. I fought them as best I could but I think a few slipped out. I decided that it was time to go and I gave my hugs and left. As my husband and I drove home I sat quietly. I find these kinds of days so bittersweet. The days when I am genuinely enjoying myself with friends or family, watching my son enjoy being a little boy, feeling the pain lift for a moment, when suddenly my grief blindsides me and before I know it I am crying and hurting again. I just can't seem to escape my pain. It really is always there. I am afraid it always will be.
I don't know why such a revelation is even a part of my life. Why does it seem like everyone gets to keep their babies but me? I am happy that my friends have all their healthy, beautiful children. That is my hope for everyone. I would not wish such pain on anyone. I just wish that I could have all my children too. I simply don't understand why this had to happen. I don't think I ever will. In the meantime I am trying my best to cope. I may never get over losing my girls, but I hope that someday I can visit my friends and not burst into tears at the sight of their family.
Right now I can't help it.