The holidays are keeping me busy. Yet I still manage to find time to cry every single day. Grief always seems to find its way into my day. As Christmas is getting closer I feel myself growing more and more sad. I am coming to accept that there will be no babies for Christmas this year. Accepting that has revealed so many broken dreams and unmet expectations. And each one is like another cut on my already bleeding heart.
When I was pregnant with Aubrey and Ellie I had this vision of Christmas being the day of their big reveal. I would bring my precious little identical twin daughters home for Christmas and the whole family would be there to meet them. I envisioned having them dressed in identical outfits but with different colored headbands on their heads so everyone could tell them apart. They would have been so little still, probably not even three months old yet. I imagined nursing them while I sat in front of the fire in my parent's living room the same way I nursed my son when he was tiny. I had a dream of what having my girls for Christmas would be like, and I have had to let it all go. Every little detail is gone. And with it so is a part of my heart.
I was in the mall with a girlfriend the other day and I found two little infant outfits that would have been exactly what I would have bought for my girls to wear for Christmas this year. And to tell the truth I almost bought them anyway. I grew very attached to them as I imagined my little girls wearing them. But I thought about it and I made myself put both outfits back. Your girls are in heaven now I told myself. There are no babies to dress up for Christmas this year. It is a sad time for me.