Friday, December 5, 2008

Held

When I was pregnant with my son over three years ago I heard a song on Christian radio by Natalie Grant called Held. I remembered it because when it would play I would cry. The first verse is about losing a baby, and with my unborn baby boy kicking in my belly the thought of losing him was too much to bare. I honestly thought losing a baby would be the worst imaginable pain. I didn't know that three years later I would no longer think, but know, exactly what losing not one but two babies feels like. And the pain is worse than I ever imagined.

This song is powerful. I can't listen to it without breaking down. And I mean breaking down. It stirs up in my heart the deep grief that seems to settle on the bottom. The grief I don't want to touch because the pain of it might cut me clean through. I am still so raw. I battle daily accepting that God allowed this. That the God I love and loves me took them anyway. I guess I am supposed to find comfort in being held through this. But I don't. I don't want to be held, I want to be doing the holding. I want my babies in my arms.

Held

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

I feel the arms of Jesus reaching for me even though I push them away. I am just so angry. It IS appalling to take two children from their mother while she prays. And I prayed! I begged! This IS what it feels like when the sacred is torn from my life and I survive. It is devastating. And jumping into God's arms like it is all ok with me is just not possible for me right now. None of this is ok with me. I know God is patient with me though. He is waiting with open arms while I inch closer to Him. I just need to know I don't have to pretend I am ok with what happened to be held. And I don't. God will hold me even when I am mad, when I feel confused, when I express my disappointment, when I am completely broken. God will hold me while I kick and scream. I just need to let him.

4 comments:

  1. Rachel...what a beautiful post. I know what you mean to break down and cry the "ugly cry" to that song. I didn't even lose a baby, but my marriage WAS sacred. It's gone and I will never be that woman again. She has died...but through the ashes I am learning a new dance. It's scarred and broken...its only held together by God's mercy, but its authentic. I don't blame God for the pain in my life, but I know now that any person, even my soul mate, my bestfriend will eventually let me down. I take comfort in knowing (only in my head it seems right now) that God will never let me down. I am still trying to convince my heart.

    I think of you often...just between you and me, you have my favorite blog!

    God bless!

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  2. Rachel
    I found your blog through Mrs B actually and just want you to know you are being prayed for. My oldest daughter died when she was 2 yrs old from AML leukemia. It's been 8 1/2 yrs. I can say that the pain is still there at times, but you do learn to live with it and as the years go by it gets softer.

    God is the great healer of ALL things, and no matter the trial he's holding you. He's loving you,and he will NEVER let you go.

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  3. Sweet, sweet Rachel. I am a complete stranger to you and found your blog just by clicking in another one and it leading me here.

    God knows your heart. Your hurt. Your anger. Give it to him. He can take it and he wants it.

    I read your comment that you and your husband are having a rough time. I've been there at least in that aspect...through my own making...and we came out on the other side. It took work and tears and prayers...so many prayers. But, we came through and we are solid (Thank you, Father) now.

    I've never lost a child and I can't begin to know how you feel. I can only tell you how very sorry I am but I know those words are hollow in some ways.

    But, please know you aren't alone in this.

    I am praying for you. I care. And I will continue to lift you and your family up.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love you Rachel. That song is amazingly sad. I have no words to explain how sad I am for you and how much I wish things were different. I love that you are keeping this blog. It helps me keep tuned in to how you are feeling. I am praying for you.

    ReplyDelete

 
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