Today has been a hard day.
All I can think about is how God could have asked this of me. In my conversations with God today I find myself shaking my head in painful disbelief. My feelings are deeply hurt. I feel betrayed. How could He require me to endure this tremendous loss? How could He ever allow such a thing to happen? HOW?
Doesn't He know how much this has broken my heart and crushed my spirit? How incapacitating my pain is? That asking me to live my life without my girls is too much to ask of me?
THIS IS TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ME GOD!!!!
How will I ever get through this? Honestly, how could shattering my hopes and dreams and allowing my girls to die be necessary at all for them, me or my family? There were so many less painful outcomes God could have allowed. Why did He allow the most painful outcome possible? Doesn't He know my heart and how much I love my children...that asking this of me is unnecessary and feels cruel?
I am so hurt. Truly crushed. And desperately sad.
I know that God understands my anger. After I get done yelling my disappointments to God I often realize that I am not really angry but desperate to vent my pain. I just miss my girls. Living without them is so hard for me. I would really like some one or something to blame for all the pain I feel. I have tried to be mad at God but I just can't be. I have tried to blame Him but I truly know that my girl's death was not his fault. And I know that He was merciful to them. I am not mad really. Just horribly sad and broken hearted.
At times I do wish I could punch God for allowing this to happen though. But in reality no punching is necessary.
God knows how I feel fully and completely. I don't have to make Him hurt like I hurt, He already carries the burden of my pain. He knows the full weight of it would crush me so He helps me shoulder the load. His presence in my life and the fullness of his comfort is as real as my pain. It is possible to feel so sad and yet be comforted by the Lord at the same time.
And thank God for that!
I will probably never know how God could have allowed this to happen, but I do know He does not expect me to endure without His help. He will sustain me until the day I meet my girls in Heaven, however long that will be.
I lean heavily on that promise.