The last four days have been the hardest in a long time. I felt like I was caught in a storm again. It is so easy to feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and disoriented. The waves of grief were pounding me one after the other. And I struggled. I felt like I was hanging on for dear life but unsure if it was even worth it. I wanted to let go and just be overcome.
Grief is a lot like water. It can be relentless, eroding away every coping mechanism, striping me of any strength or strategy to endure this sad season of my life. Aubrey and Ellie's death has truly shattered me and sometimes I feel as though the pieces will never be put back together. I am simply broken, forever.
But today I saw a sliver of light. I felt a hint of warmth on my face. I was in a storm but now the storm has subsided and the clouds are clearing. Light is breaking through. And there I am, holding on to a life raft, tired and soaking wet, bobbing up and down with the small swells of the sea. The waves are gone. The rain has past. I am still in the ocean of my grief with no land in sight, but for the moment there is calm, there is light, and there is warmth. There is hope.
It is easy for me to see God in the calm. But He was there in the storm too. He has not abandoned me during this time. He is what keeps me afloat. He held my head above water through every powerful wave. When I could not see, He was guiding me. When I could not swim, He held me up. When I wanted to cast myself into the sea and give up, He quieted the storm and let the sun shine through.
Another storm will come. My hard days have not come to an end. But I am so thankful for God's sufficient grace. I will remember this day when the hard days hit again. I can trust that there is light in these dark times. I have experienced it. God is so faithful. His Word is true. He comforts those who mourn. His comfort is real to me today.
I am still sad. My heart is still broken. God's comfort does not remove the pain, but it does sustain me through it. I feel the pieces being put together one by one. I will always miss Aubrey and Ellie though. And I know I have many more tears to cry for them.
At least for today though I can have a little sun on my face in between the tears. For the moment I can catch my breath and bask in the Light.