I was standing in Aubrey and Ellie's nursery today trying to think how to rearrange the furniture in it to transform it into a guest room. I was trying to make room for a queen size mattress so that when guests come stay at our house they have somewhere to sleep since the room is not being used right now. I want to put up one crib in the room because I hope to have another baby in the future.
But which crib should I put up, Aubrey's or Ellie's?
I want to give the other crib back to my mom.
But again, which one?
It sickens me that I will eventually have to pick. This is a decision I should never have to make.
I hate these days when decisions have to be made to move forward with life. That nursery was supposed to be for Aubrey and Ellie. It was never supposed to be a guest room. It was never supposed to be for any other purpose than for my baby girls.
I just stood in the door way staring. I could feel resentment and sad anger building up in me. It felt very much the same as picking out their plot and headstone. I hated that day. Every moment was torture. I just hate that this happened and all the decisions that come with it.
I resent so much how everything got so screwed up when Aubrey and Ellie died. Losing them changed everything. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same. And their empty nursery only pours salt on my wounds.
I still call the nursery Aubrey and Ellie's room.
I don't know what else to call it.
There is a rocking chair in the corner I had dreams of rocking them to sleep in. Sometimes I just sit in it and cry. Some days are just so hard.
Today was one of them.