Thursday, October 2, 2008

Nightmares

Since Aubrey and Ellie died I have had nightmares. Scary, tormenting nightmares. I had a lot of them in the beginning. But they occur less and less as time goes by. They used to be terrifying. They seemed so real that I would wake up confused and upset. Sometimes I would even scream or cry out in my sleep. Now I don't have nightmares as much, but I constantly dream about them, which is just as emotional. I dream I am holding them, but I wake up with empty arms. It makes me sad.

The first night after both my girls had died I had a dream that I was in the middle of the ocean treading water in rough seas with one of my babies in each hand. I was desperately trying to keep them above water. I was using all my strength to keep swimming but over time I grew tired and I dropped my babies into the sea. In my dream I was frantically grabbing for them but the waves knocked them out of my reach. They slowly disappeared in the water and I was helpless to save them. Just as I started to drown I woke up. I cried for hours after that.

I think my dream that night represented the helplessness I feel. I struggle daily wondering if I could have done more to help my girls live. It was so frustrating just looking at them through the incubator glass. I felt as though I failed them. I should have kept them in my belly longer but my body failed in the worst way. Now they were sick, and not getting well, and there was nothing I could do but pray.

I often feel guilty for not knowing how to pray for Aubrey and Ellie. I am so thankful that God knew what my girls needed even when I didn't. I find peace in that. It was disheartening to not know what was best for my own children. I remember praying Please God, just do something. I don't even know what I meant by that, but God knew. He heard the desperate plea of my scared and broken heart for my precious daughters.

And eventually God did do something, He took my girls to Heaven. I find comfort knowing they are whole now and not suffering, and I trust God. I know He did the most merciful and loving thing that could have been done for my girls under the circumstances. But not a second goes by that I don't ask God why He didn't let me keep them. I really wanted to keep them. I know I will see them again someday, but in the meantime I still miss them. I really really miss them.

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