Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Fed Up

I woke up this morning completely fed up.

I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw a worn out woman staring back. My eyes were puffy from crying the night before and I looked awful. I am so over feeling broken and sad all the time. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I want this whole miserable process to be finished. I am sick of carrying it and dealing with it and fighting it and feeling it and wrestling with it and crying about it.

My heart aches all the time. I am exhausted. And I want more than a break from the pain, I want it to end. I just want it to be over.

If only it was that simple.

Nothing about my daughters' deaths is simple. And nothing will make the pain simply vanish. It is something I will carry for the rest of my life. Their loss has complicated my life in ways I did not think possible.

Normal daily living is harder than it has ever been. Simple tasks overwhelm me. I get frustrated with the demands of being a wife and a mother. I just want to be left alone to deal with my pain by myself, uninterrupted. I can't seem to keep myself motivated. I lose track of time. Halfway through something I forget what I am doing. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I constantly fight the urge to check out on life every day. I don't want to cook dinner or fold laundry or go to the grocery store. I just want to do nothing and stare into space and think about my girls.

The present overwhelms me. The future scares me. I used to love being alive. I embraced the present and welcomed the future. The possibilities were exciting. Now all I foresee is a lifetime of grief. A lifetime of sorting out how to live without my girls. And more opportunities for loss and pain. I am scared now. Bad things can and do happen. It is frightening.

I think part of what is making me so fed up is how hard I am fighting to resist giving in to the process. I fight it sometimes because walking through the grief hurts and I don't want to hurt anymore. It is far worse than I imagined it would be. I am scared of how bad the pain might get. I don't want to find out how much worse I can hurt. I hurt badly enough already. I am overwhelmed. I have hit the wall.

It has been a hard last couple of days. The hardest in a while. I hope it lets up soon.

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