Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Due Date

Today would have been my girl's due date.

I knew this day would come and I knew that it would be hard.

To be honest though I don't find it any harder than any other day without my girls. Since Aubrey and Ellie went to be with Jesus my days have been the hardest of my life. It does not matter what the date is, each day is another day without my babies.

Waking up each morning still brings tears. My favorite place to cry is in the shower because the water washes my tears away and muffles the sound of my sobbing. Getting on with the rest of the day is easier some days than others.

For some reason I often cry in the car. Days that require a lot of driving are harder than days at home. And once I crawl in bed I always cry again. Some nights I shed only a few tears, other nights many tears. It just depends. I miss my girls most at night when the house is quiet and dark. I listen to the silence and think of them because I know I will never hear them cry for me. I don't even know what they sound like. They never cried while they were alive because of the breathing tube in their throat. It makes me sad that I never heard their voices. It is just one more thing I will never know about them.

I didn't have an emotional break down today. I wasn't a mess. I just felt deeply sad all day, like I do everyday.

I thought a lot today about what my sadness feels like. My sadness is acute and constant. It envelops me like air, always all around me, eerily silent and always present. I can't see it, it isn't tangible, but I feel it with every ounce of my being every second of every day. It lives in me too, unchanging and unyielding. Sometimes my sadness surges like a storm, pummeling me with intense emotions, battering me with painful reminders of what I have lost, and when those storms come I am often left feeling kicked while I'm down. But even when the storm dies down, my sadness does not subside. It is always there, lingering. I think I have all the symptoms of a real broken heart. Seriously, my heart actually hurts. I don't think a broken heart is just a figure of speech.

My sadness has become a part of me, a part of who I am now, and slowly I am learning to function with it. I think it will be a long time until I feel any relief from my sadness. Losing my girls is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I don't expect it to ever fully go away. This kind of pain doesn't just leave one day.

But I do trust that God will help me learn to live with it. And I know he has carried me during the worst of it. I have crumbled under the weight of my pain at times, and I have felt God carry me through those times. I know that while He is holding me He is also holding my girls and all three of us are in the arms of our Savior together.

It is the closest I can get to my girls in this life.

I am thankful for God's grace during this time, but I would still trade it all to have my babies back. That is just the honest truth.

I just miss them so much.

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