I was in the craft store today and I came across an entire wall of doll clothes. I found all kinds of beautiful and tiny little outfits that would have fit my girls perfectly. Adorable little dresses with ruffles. Tiny sweaters with matching mittens and booties. Even shoes. Tiny little shoes.
I was filled with gut wrenching regret. I should have dressed them before they were buried. I should have found doll clothes for my girls and made them look pretty before they were laid to rest. I am their mother, I should have done that for them. I wish I could go back in time and make a different decision. But I can't. It makes me so sad.
Not dressing them before they were buried is not my only regret. I have many.
I regret not paying more attention while I was pregnant. Maybe I could have prevented their premature birth? I should have protected them better. After they were born I only visited them in the NICU two or three times a day. After I was discharged only once a day. I should have visited more and stayed longer. I never took any video of them. Why did I not do that? I had the opportunity to sit next to Ellie's incubator and look at her while I pumped my milk, but I never got the chance to do that with Aubrey. I hope she can forgive me and knows that I love her as much as I love her sister. I also didn't visit Aubrey in the hospital the Sunday before she died. Everyday I think how God gave me a day with her that I took for granted. Every time I wish for just one more day with my girls I think how I did have one more day with Aubrey that I didn't take advantage of. I feel like a horrible mother.
It is really hard to forgive myself for not doing all the things I should have done. And everyday brings a new regret. It is all part of the process I guess. Part of the grief process. Someday I hope that I can let go of all the ways I failed my girls and accept that I did the best I could under the circumstances. I hope they know that I tried to be the best mother I could to them and that I love them with my whole being.
I hope my love for them can find its way to Heaven.