Thursday, September 18, 2008

Yearning and Longing

Before now I never felt true longing. I had never lost anything so important to me that I yearned to have it again with all my heart and soul. Yearning feels like hopeful sadness, longing like promising suffering. There will be an end to my heartache. My only comfort is that I will see them again. And that is what I long for, what I yearn for with every part of myself. I want to see my girls again.

I yearn for heaven in a whole new way. I realize I did not have the longing for heaven I thought I had. I never felt as excited about heaven as I do now. I have never yearned to be there like I do when I cry for my girls.

I used to pray for a long life. I was afraid to die, especially to die young before I could do the things on earth I hope to do. But now I am much more accepting of my own imminent death. I may live long, I may not, but either way I welcome the opportunity to go to heaven when it comes. I have two very special little girls waiting for me there.

I don't hope to die soon, not at all. I hope to live and be around for my son and husband and fulfill God's calling on my life as best I can, but when my time comes I will not be sad or scared. I will be ready. I will welcome the end of my life on earth because it will be the beginning of a new existence with my daughters. To be honest I am anxious for that day. All the hours and days of yearning for my girls, of longing to hold them just once more, will finally come to an end. The pain that I feel day in and day out as I struggle to live a life without them will finally end. My broken heart will be healed. My arms will be full. I will finally get to hold my girls for as long as I want and we will never be apart again.

In heaven I will hold my girls while God holds me and for the first time since Aubrey and Ellie's deaths I won't hurt anymore. I can't wait to go to heaven.

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